Calm breeze 3 column

Monday, December 31, 2012

Reflecting on 2012

I am going to go on record and say that 2012 was a pretty good year.  Probably the best year since our 1st year of marriage. Much more happiness and far fewer tears than in recent years. I am calling it my turnaround year.

Our families both had much to celebrate....a wedding, new babies on the way, a retirement and some milestone birthdays. We also had a memorable vacation and plenty of good times with family and friends. Not to mention H and I getting home study approved and becoming adoptive parents -in- waiting.  We feel truly blessed.

365 days is a long time, but looking back, I don't know how it's possible that we are saying goodbye to another year. For the past few years I have said "good riddance" at 12:01am on January 1st. This year my attitude is a little different. I am looking forward to the new year with so much hope in my heart. I truly believe that this is the year that we become parents. I'll tell you a little something about the # 13. If you followed my IVF blog, you may recall that I had a few posts about that #. It seriously popped up somewhere in every it 13 eggs retrieved or 13 embryos growing or the fact that one of my retrievals was on the 13th. I can't help but think that the # must somehow be significant. Let's hope my instincts are correct!

Happy new year!

The Christmas gift that wasn't

Two days after Christmas, H came home with a big package from Home Depot. I think I was more excited about that package than I was with my new Kate Spade or my new Galaxy tab. You'll never guess what it is by my level of excitement so I'll cut to the chase. He brought me new toilet seats! One for every toilet in the house! Go ahead and laugh, judge me....I don't care. These new seats are going to make my life so much easier. They actually come off for easy cleaning. That's more working around those razor sharp hinges that rip my gloves and/or cuticles. But the best part is the fact that 2 of them have built in potty seats for little bums. I have always been freaked out at the idea of having potty seats laying around the bathroom when it's time to potty train. Now I don't have to worry about it. No game plan needed!

Now, ever since the "blender incident" of '04 (technically it was a juicer but it still made me cry) H knows that he cannot wrap up householdy things and expect me to jump for joy. His plan worked perfectly though. I love that man!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Post holiday blues

It's always such a let down. Christmas is over and we have a long winter ahead of us. My tree will come down, the family room furniture will go back to it's original configuration and the only evidence of the holiday will be the lingering bits of glitter that we'll find until mid July despite my militant cleaning schedule.

No more holiday treats. Time to bump up the intensity of workouts and wrap yourself in heavy sweaters and coats. It will seem like you will never have anything to look forward to again. Summer seems so far away (I am not a fan of spring in upstate NY.)

Gone is the holiday cheer and goodwill towards men (and women and children). Grumpiness takes over and everyone forgets how to play nice. I think that is always the worst part for me. I miss people smiling at me in the market or letting me out of the gas station parking lot instead of blocking the entrance.

Then the year will change and you will relive the past year. You will decide whether or not you did your best living it and promise that next year you will be a better person, make every moment count and do what you love. Sometimes I get a temporary boost from my commitment to my resolutions but January is a long hard month and I lose my steam again by the end of week 2.

Oh well. I guess we'll plan a vacation and hope for a very good year.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Baby proof

Something my house is not.

I discovered this when my 20 month old nephew came to visit this weekend. He is a very good boy and he listens to his parents but like a moth to the flame he is drawn to my sky high staircase (along with every other child from the time they could crawl).

When we were building the house, I don't think we realized how high these stairs would be. I seriously get dizzy looking down from the top step. That was just the tip of the iceberg though. I have nick knacks and picture  frames within reach of little hands. Especially around Christmas the stuff is irresistible for little ones. More sparkle, more decorations, more bright than the rest of the year.

It makes me long before we have to start thinking about this stuff? I know that we will have a few months before our LO will be able to reach the stairs but those stairs scare me without a baby in the house.

Everyone keeps telling me how next year things may be very different. That may or may not be true so my goal this holiday season is to spend it like it is my last. If our baby comes along we may not be able to run around visiting friends and relatives like we can now. A part of me knows how much I'll miss it all but H and I are both looking forward to some new traditions as a family of 3.

Have a very merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Answered prayers

Probably not in the way that you think but yesterday I was given a little more hope and a little more faith and I am so pleased about that.

Around 10:30 my cell rang and I saw that my agency was calling. I thought it might be another check in call or that they might be calling to tell us that we owe them paperwork and money. (We joined exactly a year ago and we need to renew our fee agreement. ) Are you sitting down? Because this time they were actually calling me about a profiling opportunity.

I almost wet my pants. It felt like I was getting a beta call. My heart was racing,I was on the verge of tears and I even got a little dizzy.

I won't keep you in suspense while I tell the story....we had to say no. It broke my heart but even though this wasn't our baby, my heart is warm just knowing that some lucky adoptive parent's dreams are going to come true this Christmas.

The BPs are very young. The BM is adopted and does not know anything about her family history except that her BM smoked pot when she was pg with her. She has aspergers and the BF has ADD and learning disabilities. I was given time to talk to H and a few professionals and was told that the likely hood of the baby boy (<3) being special needs was pretty high. I was also told that dealing with the BPs might be difficult as well. With the cost of adoption being what it is (and the certainty of the tax credit being taken away) we just don't have the means to handle a special needs child. They also want to see the child twice a year and all of that just felt like a lot to us.

I know that we cannot control what our child will be. I get that there is no way of telling if a baby will be healthy in all ways until after birth or in some cases as they grow and mature. H and I just felt like the odds were too great to take a chance. This may offend some people although I hope not. We also took into account the interest of the baby. We know that baby will be matched with a family who is just right for him. Even the case worker told us that if we had any doubts or concerns that it is not the right match for us or the baby.

Back to my prayers. For the past few weeks my standard bedtime prayer has ended with this sentence: "Please God....please just let us get a call before Christmas. Please just let this call show us that we are on the right path and that we will be parents."

Well.....I got exactly what I asked for. We got a call.....just because it wasn't our baby does not mean that God was not listening. I have a renewed sense of hope and I feel like this is real and like H said, next time I need to be more specific with my prayers ;)

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Prayers for Newtown and why I hate the media

Let's forget for a moment about the blatant use of the terms "adoptive mother" and "adoptive father". "Mother" and "Father" would suffice. Just this week, a local missing child case was reopened and every single report mentioned how "the adoptive father" was the last person to see him and how "the adoptive father" won't answer any questions. I will never understand why it matters. A father is a father. But I digress. I'm here today to talk about something that is on the minds of our country and I'm sure many people around the world.

The news reports are chilling. I find myself stopping to shed a tear if I think too much about it. Just this morning H caught me bawling while running on the treadmill from the reports I was seeing on The Today show. I am an emotional woman. Everyone knows this about me and I am probably one of the most sympathetic people you will ever meet. I cry when someone else has cramps. (Ok, not really but when I see someone in pain, I feel it.)  H says it is because I have had my own tragedies....from health issues to pregnancy losses and a few other things I don't discuss. He has become more sympathetic,too. (He thinks I am using my estrogen to turn him into a woman.)

This is why I get so pissed when all of the Reporters say things like "Every parents is feeling this tragedy" and " All parents across this country are sympathizing". Really? You mean to tell me that only parents can feel empathy for the poor people in that town and the tiny victims? Our local media even stalked parents at an elementary school to ask them what they thought of it all.

 Of course, I am offended because of our history of loss and failure at conceiving but I have to tell you that I know a lot of childless people,some even by choice, that are feeling this tragedy as well. My friend's sister died of cancer and it broke my heart. No, it has never happened to me but that doesn't mean that I can't sense the pain and feel that deep sadness. What about the 6 adults that were killed? I am sure some of them were husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons. I am a sister,a daughter, a wife and an aunt.

Savannah Guthrie got it right when she opened the show by saying that anyone who knows a child, loves a child or has cared for a child is so upset about this tragedy. (Not a direct quote but you get the picture) I have nieces and nephews that I adore and no, I am not raising them but they mean the world to me. To even think of someone hurting or killing children their age shakes me to the core.

Some days I wonder if we should even adopt. I wonder if I want to raise a child in a world where a gunman can walk into a school and kill children and steal the innocence of every child that witnessed the massacre. Things like this make me so afraid to become a parent and it makes me question my ability to do so.

I will continue to grieve like the rest of the country, parents and non- parents alike. My prayers and thoughts are concentrated on everyone involved from the victims to the emergency workers and police officers. But especially for the families, who have a long road ahead of them. I wish them peace and comfort and that someday they can find their way back to happiness and joy.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Self pity stinks

I just said it in my last post. I have already had enough. I really don't want anymore thrown my way but God/the universe/life seems to have other plans for me.

My 39 year old sister called me this morning at work to tell me that her boobs are sore and she is pukey. Her period is 5 days away but she thinks she might be pg.  She has been trying since July. I know how she feels and I get that she is excited and nervous and all that. I get that she is coming to me because I am practically a Gyno thanks to all of the reproductive fun and games I have participated in for the last 6 years or so but add that to the fact that it is almost Christmas and that Monday is the day my baby boy would have been born 3 years ago and what you have is a very bitter, sad and hopeless me.

I want to be supportive and I want to be happy. I have been where she is. I can remember the days of taking tests when I though my period was late and hoping against hope that a baby would be on the way. Every twinge, every little thing that felt different in my body was a pregnancy symptom. It's exciting and it's heartbreaking when you finally start the flowin'. She has been through that for the past few months and I hate that she has. I would never want to see her go through the pain of infertility treatments or pregnancy loss. I love her and I want more for her.

On the other hand, a part of me is so incredibly sad to have another person pregnant before I have had my shot at motherhood. Especially since it has been a constant occurrence for the past 6 years. We are close so I can't run away from her like I can with other people. The thing is, I really want her to have a baby. I want another niece or nephew and I have even prayed to God for us to get our babies at the same time. H and I know that we will be done after 1 child so I think it would be incredible to have cousins who are the same age that can grow up together. Any baby in my family would make me really happy but that cloud will probably always hang over my head.

Perhaps one wanna- be -Mommy's wish will come true this Christmas.

I don't want to feel pitiful during the holidays. I want to celebrate with a full and joyous heart but I'm struggling and I can't dig myself out of this hole right now. Being positive is exhausting.

Thanks for listening.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

It's just too much.

The holidays. The EDD for miscarriage #2 (and the 3rd birthday of my "due date twin's" twins) No matches yet. My sister just jumping on the TTC/infertility carousel. H's SIL on pregnancy #2. The fiscal cliff and what that might mean for the Adoption Tax Credit and our best shot at affording adoption without going broke. Multiple (as in more than 11) photo Christmas cards of other people's kids. There is a whole list of non-child related stuff,too.

We are going on Christmas #7 trying to grow our family but there are still just 2 of us. The 1st year was the best year. We were having lots of sex and we were oblivious to the fact that it was never going to work. The 2nd year I was really sick with Crohn's issues and the 3rd,4th,and 5th years we were taking breaks between IVF treatments. Year #6 was the year we decided to adopt and we probably felt the most optimistic about our future. I even thought we might have some news by now. (Not H....he is a bit more cynical) I'm getting so tired. Tired of the longing. Tired of the fear. Tired of wondering when. Tired of everyone else having everything come easy to them.

It's been a rough week and I'm just in "that place" right now. Thanks for letting me unload.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The latest unfulfilling conversation

After leaving multiple messages in the span of 3 days (including the one from H that prompted the  phone call) I finally connected with my SW. She was on her way to a meeting and did not have much time for me but it was oh so important for her to return my call since she knew I was concerned. (eye roll) As a matter of fact, I felt downright rushed. She did confirm that she is, indeed, still our SW. She tried to assure me that we will not be affected by the recent staff issues and that we have not fallen through the cracks. She gave me the same standard answer that she has given me every month about how our profile grids look good and that X months is not that long and that once someone sees our profile they could not possibly not adore us.

Again, no matches for our grids. I had a list of questions to ask....How many infants matching our grids have been placed since we were waiting? Can I get a description of the types of placements you are doing? How do you decide how many and which adoptive parent profiles to show (barring any specifics that the BPs insist on that we don't meet) ?

Unfortunately, I didn't get any answers. I did get told 8 times that what I need to do is relax and enjoy the holidays with my family. (Really? Has this woman ever worked with infertile adoptive parents- in -waiting because we sure heard enough of that business when we were trying to conceive)

My questions will have to wait until January, I suppose. I really do want to enjoy the holidays. Every year I make homemade pierogis with my parents and my mom and sisters and I spend a day making about 20 kinds of Xmas cookies to share and give as gifts to a lucky few. As much as I enjoy these activities, I sure wouldn't mind a little peanut of my own to take me away from all of it next Christmas!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I hate phone tag

Especially when I am feeling needy. I can't help but think these people are way too busy if they cannot even be reached by phone. I guess don't blame them....I know what it is like to be short staffed and scrambling. (Thanks to an old lady in my department who makes constant mistakes yet refuses to retire and has more vacation time than days in the year.) I do however blame them for their communication (or lack thereof.) Well, I am not going to sit by and let them avoid me or my concerns any longer. I am going to start to get some answers. I am going to ask for a monthly account of who was placed and if and why our profile was not shown.

No one from the agency returned my call yesterday but I did hear from my (former?) CW this morning. I was at work and she left me a message while I was on a business call. I called her back 2 more times and she was not available. I guess I'll be getting my call on Thursday.

The longer this goes on, the more annoyed I am getting. I guess I should take this time to write down what it is I want and outline what I need to say. The problem is, every time I do I get so angry and anxious that I can't think straight. I hope I don't lose my cool. The last thing I want to do is stress out an overworked staff member. Rock....hard in the middle.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Buyers remorse

This is the 1st time in this process that I am second guessing our decision about the agency we chose. Sure we have had a few administrative snafus along the way but everything seemed to be addressed fairly quickly. As I have said before, you run into these types of issues with most businesses you deal with.

What I am pissed about is the fact that I heard from someone I don't know, on a public message board that a pivotal member of the staff (an adoptive parent caseworker) left employment. It was nothing dramatic, the individual had personal issues and had to leave her job. My problem with the situation is the fact that we were never notified. She was not my case worker but I have a feeling it will have an effect on how things are managed.

Two weeks ago a woman I don't know called me "just to check in" and see how I am doing. The message she left on my home phone (not the primary phone # the agency has on file....that would be my cell which is with me at all times except in the bathroom) said that I could call if I had any questions. Well, I didn't know her and there was no sense of urgency in her message so I thought I would wait and catch up with my Caseworker after the holiday. Then, on Thanksgiving weekend, I heard about the staff reduction. I immediately posted on the agency message board and got a really snotty response from the owner about how the person left for personal reasons and that the agency had it under control and how they are probably overstaffed now because everyone was pitching in.

I've run businesses before and honestly, that is just bad management. You don't wait for the shit to hit the fan and then try to back pedal and make it seem like you have everything under control. The way to make your clients feel reassured and respected is to be proactive and tell people that you have a plan.

I called the agency today to check in and see what the hell is going on and I was told that the woman who called me won't be in until Thursday because she works part time and my Case Worker was with other clients and could not speak to me.  I very calmly told the poor girl who answered the phone that I was very disturbed about the fact that I was never notified about any staffing changes and that I feel like the reason our profile has not been shown yet (in 6 months!) is because of the staffing issues they are having. I told her I felt like we slipped through the cracks. She tried to assure me that wasn't the case and I was told to expect a call back tomorrow or Thursday. WTF?

H wants to call tomorrow and yell at them for the unprofessional treatment but I am afraid that will make them retaliate and never show our profile. I am just not sure what to do at this point. I'm feeling really blue and for the first time I'm starting to feel like we just won't ever be parents.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Life imitates art....kind of.

I don't know why I insist on watching the most disturbing shows right before bed. (Besides the fact that is the time that they air....I mean I could DVR them and watch them later.)

If you are an adoptive mom/mom in waiting or even a birth mom or expectant mom, you must know that I am referring to Private Practice. It was seriously like a train wreck that I could not turn away from. So emotional, so poignant and so much a part of what I could be dealing with some day. It was bad enough when they dealt with infertiles who were going through IVF and losing their babies and freezing their eggs but now that H and I are right in the thick of the adoption process, they decide to switch gears and apply to us once again. ( H still thinks we are setting all kids of trends on TV but I tell him it's just that he never paid attention. For the past few years it has been all about IVF. Now, he thinks everyone is adopting.)

As much as the show rattled me, it also had some comforting parts. When/if you see it you will understand. Almost every day I wonder what kind of relationship we will have with our baby's birth mother. Will we be close? Will she want an open adoption? How will I set boundaries? It's all so scary and confusing and exciting at the same time. I have seen so many amazing examples of positive birth parent/adoptive parent relationships and as much as I want that, a part of me wants to be selfish and hope that the birth mother doesn't want to be involved. It all comes down to whatever is best for the child and I suppose there is just no way to tell until we are matched.
I won't spoil anything for you but I will say that they did a decent job of exposing all sides of the adoption triad. Some of the language was a bit old fashioned and I would probably correct people for using terms like "give up your baby" if I heard them say it in real life. But that's just it. People say offensive things to parents all the time. Too bad they weren't able to use the episode as a teaching moment. I'm sure they will get all kinds of mail from people touched by adoption.

Thanks to Private Practice (once again) I woke up with puffy,red eyes and extra tired. Pure torture.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Cause for celebration

Imagine being around for 90 years. Imagine still driving and doing it well, cooking for yourself, and meeting your friends at McDonald's for breakfast every morning. Imagine having the cleanest house on the planet and a perfectly manicured lawn that you tend to on your own. At 90 years old. That is my Grandmother.

Just knowing this woman has made me a better person. Her faith is unwavering....even when my Father fought in Vietnam she never questioned it. Her love for her family has inspired all of us and her ability to speak her mind and stand up for her convictions without hurting people is something I could only hope to emulate. Maybe someday.....maybe it comes with age. I have known her for nearly 1/2 her life and she has always been this way,though.

I hosted a birthday party for her over the weekend and I could not have been more honored. She was thrilled to be surrounded by her family and while it was a bit low key, that suits her perfectly. She called me to thank me after the party and she told me that she made a very special wish for H and I when she blew out the candles. She didn't want to tell me what the wish was but she told me that if I thought very hard I could probably figure it out.

I didn't have to think that hard at all. I know what my Gram's wish was. you can probably guess it,too.That is just like her.....spending her 90th birthday wish on someone else. For her sake and for my future child's sake, I sure hope that wish comes true sooner rather than later. I know that any child brought into this world would surely be a better person for knowing my Gram.

xoxo Gram

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Misdirected anger

I'll admit, I am a very emotional person. I cry over just about everything....happy, sad or tired....the tears can flow pretty freely. I'm not as quick with the anger though. At least I wasn't until recently. I'll give you some examples......

A few days before the Hurricane hit the east coast, a woman in my neighborhood was panicking about the fact that it might interfere with her family's Halloween plans. So much so that she felt the need to mass email the entire neighborhood with the suggestion that Halloween be postponed until the following Saturday. She didn't feel like her 3 year old and 8 month old would enjoy themselves if it was too windy and rainy. You heard me correctly and yes, I lost my shit when I got the email. Luckily I stopped myself before responding but I was annoyed for days. First of all....what does an 8 month old do with candy? And secondly, when we were kids we still went. Maybe our loot was a little light but we powered through. Not to mention the fact that the hurricane was over 2 days prior and upstate didn't get anything but a little wind. (Yes, we were very lucky this time). I bit my tongue but H heard a tirade.

I also got worked up about the NYC marathon not being cancelled. I don't even live there but I had such a strong opinion you would have thought I did. Thankfully, they did cancel it but it didn't matter to me. Just the thought of marathoners running through the streets past newly homeless people made my blood boil.

There's more but I have made myself look bad enough for now. I think I am just shocked that our profile still has not been shown. Sometimes, I feel like giving up.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Making a concentrated effort

I haven't posted much lately. The days just seem to be moving so fast (Thanksgiving in just 3 weeks?!) Yet, not fast enough for an Adoptive Mom in Waiting. LOL. I really have been trying to keep busy. My closets are beyond organized. My basement has been purged and is ready to start accumulating baby gear. I have been cooking and baking and reading and even coloring (I'm not ashamed) to pass the time. The one thing I can't seem to do is write.

I have some kind of mental block. Whenever I think of something I want to write about, it feels so I can't bear to discuss it because I will never stop.  My morning workouts exhaust me. Not necessarily because of the strenuous nature, but because my mind wanders and obsesses over when we will get "the call". Or any call, really. The agency still has not even shown our profile.

I always feel so much better when I pour it all out on paper (or screen). So, I am going to try really hard to stay focused. Also, at some point, I am sure I am going to want to remember this time and I am going to want to share how I felt with my child as part of his or her birth story. To quote my favorite "Trainer", Chalene Johnson (Turbofire,Chalean Extreme,etc) "You need to remember how you feel when you are done." That is what keeps you going....when you are done doing the work and you feel so good!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Babies, Babies, Babies!

If you only could get pregnant like you catch the flu or a cold or chicken pox, I'd be glowing. *sigh* I'm quite sure it does not rub off and I am not going to catch it. There really is no way for me to get pg at this point anyway. But maybe....just maybe.....if I hold enough babies the universe will pick up on it and send us our baby. Do you think it works that way?

In the past 24 hrs. or so, I've been exposed to 3 different babies...ranging in age from 7 weeks to 11 weeks. The 2 that I held were so precious and snuggled right up to me. (the 3rd was screaming her pretty little head off and wouldn't let anyone touch her. Go figure, the only girl.....)  Both boys moms were surprised and both said that the babies were "in love with me". It was so sweet and such a good feeling. It always makes me feel like such a good person when I am around babies. I seem to know what to do and I think they must pick up on that. Or maybe my babies are around me and telling them not to be afraid of me. I like that thought :)

H has been so concerned lately about the baby not taking to us but I never was. I like to remind him how much our niece and nephew adore him and want him around all the time but he was always afraid of them when they were newborns. He is a big guy and I think he is afraid he would have hurt them. Because of that he never really bonded with them until they were a little older and wanted to be carried on his shoulders or  fall asleep on his massive chest. I think he is afraid that will happen with our baby,too. I think this is where is worries about the loss of a bio connection.

I keep telling him it will be different when we have our own.....and that a bio connection has nothing to do with it.  I hope he gets the picture before we actually do become parents. I wish I could get rid of his anxiety.....Must get him out to visit more babies. Looks like I have my winter project!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Lawyerin' up...

We met with an attorney for the 1st time on our 7th anniversary. Uh, not THAT kind of attorney. Despite all we have been through we are still quite happily married! I'm referring to the adoption attorney. We both really liked her and we learned quite a bit.

She gave us some real life examples of some calls we could receive and some situations we could become involved in. When the agency gave us examples, they weren't quite as dark. Some of it was pretty scary stuff but it helps to know that she is someone we can contact if we do feel like there might be legal issues regarding the birth parents or our child.  It also helps to know that we are not locked into anything and that we shouldn't feel guilty if something doesn't feel right and we need to say no. She told us to prepare ourselves,that we will probably get a last minute call instead of a call with months to prepare like I envisioned.

It was great to meet with someone outside of the agency who was able to speak frankly and to give us some tips about dealing with the agency. I think it made us feel better and almost safer to know that we have someone else in our corner. Yeah, I know....another person that we have to pay,too. She was also able to give us an idea of the types of expenses we might run into and it was not quite as bad as I originally though. I think we were both expecting it to be much higher.

Still no word on a match but I'm still feeling optimistic....not sure how much longer that will last, but for now, I'm doing fine.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Seven years.....

almost! On the 24th it will be our 7th anniversary. Seven is my lucky number and I'm hoping this will be our lucky year.

To celebrate, we will be meeting our adoption lawyer for the 1st time. We wanted to meet with her and start to build a relationship before we actually need her for finalization. Truth be told, H forgot it was our anniversary and booked the appt. a few weeks ago. He was planning on attending the meeting and then going to play racquetball. He has never forgotten our anniversary before but I know it's because he has so much on his mind. At least he never forgot my birthday (I can't say the same.....) I do kind of like the idea of us starting our 8th year of marriage doing something that is going to help us build our family.

Every year H and I say "Maybe next year we will have a baby". This is the closest we have adoptive parents in waiting. Next year we really might!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Fall ya'll!

Although the calendar has not officially confirmed it, autumn is here and so begins my most favorite time of year! Some of my best days were fall days. Like my wedding....and the year H and I went to ME....and too many other to list. I always say I love the 4th quarter (a term I picked up from my years in finance.) I am at my happiest right up until I need to return to work after the holidays.

It all starts with a little chill in the air....still warm enough to enjoy the outdoors without freezing my ass off. I go to see my niece and nephew play soccer or I'll take a walk by the river. I start using fresh apples in my cooking and I bake yummy pumpkin flavored treats. I pull out my cable knit sweater ballerina flats and my cozy sweaters and do lots of cuddling with H.

Lots of planning goes weekends start to book up with our annual family trip (girls only) to the Yankee flagship store and our Christmas cookie bake- a -thon. I'm too busy to think and that is how I like it. It keeps me out of trouble and I'm hoping that this year, it will keep my mind off of the fact that we are still waiting. H & I would love to be able to share our love of the season with our little one next year :)

Friday, September 14, 2012


Why did I stay away so long? I haven't felt this good in months. I have a long way to go to get back to where I was but I had the best sleep last night. H said I didn't even move. I don't recall any bad dreams, either and my patience is back. I am more energetic and not as anxious. The 3 lb weight loss was another positive side effect. Water weight.... sure but who wants to carry water weight around?

I have got to make time for myself....while I still have time. Once there is a baby in the house I may not be able to go to acupuncture or workout like I do now. I'm not naive. I know things are going to change. I'd love to keep it up because it just gives me balance but I'll just have to see. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy every session and work on staying as healthy and centered as possible. If you haven't tried it, i hgihly recommend it! It's not just for infertility anymore.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Happy and sad....

I pinned a quote from my friend on Pinterest and it totally sums up how I’m feeling today.

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." ~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Full disclosure: I never read the book so I'm not sure of the context in which it was used but the stand alone quote made me stop in my tracks. I’m feeling so damn conflicted right now.

I’m happy with our decision to adopt and for a bit of little time to save some cash. H and I are also renovating what will be the nursery and doing as much as we can as a couple in the way of trips and nights out and alone time. I’m sure you’ve heard me say all of this before. Perhaps I am reiterating just to reassure myself. In general, I feel like life is going ok and I am handling whatever does not.

On the other hand…..the adoption situation is threatening my very sanity. Last week marked month #3 of being home study approved with our agency. As of yesterday afternoon, the agency still has not shown our profile book to anyone. That is ZERO profiling opportunities in a 3 month time frame. I’m a little surprised. I guess I expected that we would least have been shown to 1 potential BM by now. Most of the adoptive parents from our agency that I know had quite a few profiling opportunities much earlier on than this. H & I knew going in that we would have (approx.) a 9-18 months wait but we expected to be turned down or maybe that a BF would change their minds but not that there would be no one placing their child with the criteria we specified. I have been told by the Caseworker each and every month that we are fairly open with our situations....more so than some of the other waiting families so I think it is a little strange.

All we can do is wait. We don't want just any baby...we want our baby. I keep telling myself that. In the meantime, I'll be riding this emotional roller coaster.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

A preoccupied mind.

Oatmeal bubbled out of the bowl in the microwave (volcano style)-check. Forgot to shave 1 leg and had to get back in the shower after already lotioning up-check. Underwear inside out-check. Accidentally told a client I loved them (“bye, love you”) –check.

All I can tell you is that I have loads on my mind. It seems to be causing lots of accidents and sleepless nights. How about the weight gain? My diet and exercise routines have not changed. I suppose I could blame it on stress…my anxiety level has probably doubled since my last contact with the agency. A friend suggested I touch base with them today…that I might feel better if I get a pep talk from my Case Worker. The problem is, I don’t know if I want to hear the news that our profile still hasn’t been shown to anyone yet. I can’t believe I am not handling this better after all everything I went through with the fertility treatments.

 I booked my Acupuncturist for next Tuesday. It’s been too long and I know she can help. In the meantime, if I walk right by you on the street, do not be alarmed and please forgive me. ;)

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Labor day weekend 2011...

I was gearing up for my very last IVF cycle. Now, we are home study approved and waiting for our wee one to find us. It's so hard for me to believe that year has passed. We've come so far but it still feels like it will be eons before we become parents.

I know, it has only been 3 months since we were approved and so many of my friends who have adopted have waited waaaaayyyyy beyond that for news. I didn't expect it to be so difficult. I felt like once we finished our paperwork and interviews that I would feel a giant sense of relief. I did but that only lasted for about 2.5 weeks.

I'm having such anxiety. On the one hand, I am happy for a little extra time to save some money and get rid of the last bit of debt. I have been able to organize like never before-I even finally made my binders with all our accounts and passwords,etc. My recipes are organized and all of my closets and the pantry and even the stockpile in the basement have been purged and rearranged for maximum efficiency. It's just so hard not knowing ANYTHING. I didn't think it would affect me like this. Are we going to get a call that tells us we have 5 months to wait or are we going to get that call that tells us to drop everything and hop in the car to come pick up our baby? Obviously I am a planner and my world has turned upside down. IVF was tough but this is definitely a new level of torture for me. Are we going to know who the birth father is? Will we have to wait while the birth mother makes up her mind? Will there be health issues? Will the birth mother want to meet us? Those are just a few of the questions plaguing me right now.

I know....when we finally meet our baby I'll forget about all this. I'm ready to move on, though. Looking forward to a whole new set of anxiety inducing circumstances.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Another minor altercation

I am a planner. Part of my problem in life is that I have expectations for how everything should be. I know this yet I cannot stop. I take pride in my organizational skills and I don't like to be caught off guard. I have been like this since I was a child. I always had very organized Barbie carrying cases and a toy box. Everyone knows this is my thing. I even set my  MIL up with my binder system. She now has a binder with tabs for grocery lists, week-at-a-glance, to do lists and party planning lists (among others) just like mine. (Wow, I really got off track-sorry) H loves this about me. I run a tight ship and make his life pretty damn easy and clean because of it. So, when I approached H about checking out a big baby sale at a local furniture store, I didn't expect a fight.

It seems like everything turns into a fight lately. We had a good run while we were preparing for the adoption and finishing all the paperwork and interviews. It felt so good to be done with all of the fertility treatments and focusing on something else. Now, we are waiting again and it almost feels like it will not ever happen. I want to talk about it to keep the dream a live,so to speak but H is not having any of that.

It took a fight for me to get it out of him but he is superstitious and he is afraid to buy anything and jinx ourselves. I get it. When I was pg, I never bought one single baby thing. The only thing I did was buy a few maternity outfits at 10 weeks because my clothes stopped fitting. (Thank you follistim.) He remembers the heartbreak of my trip to the store to return those maternity clothes. To this day I remember each outfit and get a little sad because I looked so cute :( He felt so bad for me in addition to the pain he was feeling and he is afraid that if we buy a bunch of baby gear that it won't happen. I understand but I think he is taking it a bit far. I know, I can't judge someone else's level of superstition any more than I can judge someone else's mph over the speed limit. "No one should be going any faster, 10 miles over is fast enough" said a woman I know.   (Seriously, if you are only going to go 10 m over the speed limit you need to stay out of the left lane.) Anyway, in the end he agreed to look at stuff but not buy anything until we hear something. I won't bore you with the he said/she said of it but we were able to compromise as usual....and that is a good thing.

The tough part about adoption is that you don't have a finite time limit. The agency could call tomorrow and tell us we have 6 months before the BM is due or they could call and tell us to pack a bag and come pick up our baby. It's any one's guess.

So, I have a wish list on amazon and a baby names list that H knows nothing about. I'll do my research on the fly and talk to anyone who will listen about baby gear and baby names and I'll take all the tips I can from my mom friends. I just won't tell H. We are not on the same page about this and I don't want there to be any more friction. I'm picking my battles. When we get a call and we only have 1 day to prepare I will definitely say "I told you so". I just know that is how it will happen since we are not prepared.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Back from vaca and down to business.....

It already feels as if the summer is winding down. We still have a few parties and events left before the weather gets crisp and before traffic starts sucking in the morning because the schools are open again. We had an excellent mini trip to MA to see friends and do some sightseeing (...ok and a quick stop at the outlets where I did make a few purchases.)

Autumn always feels like a new beginning for me....I'll always remember shopping for a new wardrobe for  "back to school" and since leaving school, autumn has become my favorite time of year. I'm anticipating liking it even more when I have a school aged child of my own, from what my Mom and Dad friends with kids tell me.

That brings me to the latest thoughts occupying my mind......when do we tell people about our plans?

I have shared our news with a select few...close friends and family among them as well as some old high and grade school friends I reconnected with through good ol' FB. As it has been about 2 months since we went active with our agency, I have gotten questions from quite a few people....about what we have heard or how long it might be. I certainly don't mind the questions from people who care so much about me....I love it, actually. What I might not be able to deal with is questions from work people that I see every day or neighbors that I barely know. I don't want it to become awkward when people ask (for them or me). While I do feel a sense of responsibility to advocate for adoption I don't know if I'm ready to educate the ignorant. At this point, without a match, I feel like a fraud. I also think it would make me more anxious if I know others are waiting for it to happen,too. Again, not from my near and dear but from acquaintances.

On the other hand, I don't want to have the following conversation: "Hi Boss lady, it's G. I won't be coming to work today...I have to go pick up my baby". H and I have had several conversations about it and we just don't know which way to go. Once you can't undo it!

If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears!

Friday, August 3, 2012

My olympic flashback....

As much as I am enjoying the Olympics, a part of me can't help but feel a little bit sad. It takes me back to the Beijing Olympics and that was a sort of milestone for me. It was my 1st IVF...and my 1st pregnancy. My 1st unsuccessful pregnancy. I remember being so hopeful and hormonal. I watched interviews with the Olympians Mom's and I cried when I saw them in the stands cheering for their children. I had fleeting thoughts about if my child would be a future Olympian or maybe he would be watching with me when the London Olympics aired in 4 years time. It hurts to think about that baby I'll never meet and a part of me hurts for that woman who is no longer so naive.....who knows far too much about sperm and egg quality and D&C's and how pregnancy may not ever lead to a child you can watch the Olympics with....or anything else for that matter.

I think those emotions had a lot to do with my breakdown last week. If I close my eyes and listen to the whistles and the cheers and the commentators, I can almost pretend that it's 4 years ago and that all of those bad things never happened. I didn't do 7 IVF cycles and I didn't have 4 pregnancy losses.

I look forward to the Rio Olympics in 2016 with a bit of hesitancy. I'm so happy that we are on this adoption journey but part of me can't stop wondering if that will end the same way? Will H and I be watching the Summer Olympics together with our little one in 2016 or will we still be chasing our dream?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Not what I was expecting to hear...

This will be the 1st of (what I hope is not) many "agency follow up" posts.

I called our agency on Monday to go over a few things with our case worker. I wanted to let her know about some upcoming travel plans and to see if she received our signature pages agreeing to the HS findings. I also figured that it was about time to see if we had been presented to any birth families and was hoping to get some feedback on our profile book from these families. I guess I wasn't prepared for the answer.

 I wasn't quite sure what I was hoping to hear but a part of me is a little distressed to know that our profile was not shown to anyone in the past 2 months. And to make matters worse, my caseworker asked me to fill out a new copy of our "child interest grid" because the one that she had was slopped up with our SW's notes. She said she doesn't want us to miss a potential profiling opportunity due to a messy form. I asked her if we had missed any so far for that reason and she said that no one matching our interest grids has come to the agency in the past 2 months but I don't know if I believe her.

When I spoke to her right after we were approved she mentioned that she couldn't view the DVD we created to go along with our profile book. She was supposed to call me back if she couldn't view it on her co-worker's computer but I never heard from her. I also found out yesterday that she forgot to check.

She just got engaged and I am a little concerned that she may not be entirely focused on our case....or any other part of her job. I hope that it's not going to be a problem. (And I really hope she is nothing like I was when I was planning my wedding. Planning my wedding was like my job at the time and I wasn't very focused on the job that actually paid me.)

So I think I am going to have to turn into the hard ass I didn't want to be. I'm going to call every few weeks to check on things and make sure I am at the front of her mind. She is going to want to get me a match so she can get rid of me! I'm certainly not a stranger to following up and I know how to get things done. I guess I have to believe deep down that all of these little glitches and hold ups are happening so our baby can find us....the baby that is meant for us. All in good time :)

Sunday, July 29, 2012

A breakdown that snuck up

Picture this:  a neighborhood party for a 2 year old. This neighborhood is filled with young families who have school aged children. I've been to plenty of these parties outside of said neighborhood since we began the adoption process. I even managed to show up for a few while I was dealing with fertility drugs and procedures at the peak of my hormonal-ness. I'll stay for a while,grab a bite to eat, do my best to smile and chat and make a graceful exit.

 My neighborhood is strange. I made it to the monthly bunco/drunko game and the block parties and Friday happy hours for the 1st couple of years but the more women that became pregnant, the harder it became for me to fit in. All anyone wanted to talk about was their pregnancies and their kids and I felt so out of place. It's different when you are friends with people and have other things in common besides your street name and some of these woman had nothing to say beyond diapers and daycare. Current events, anyone? Celebrity gossip? Have you read any good books lately? It all came down to baby,baby,baby. I never felt like anyone was that friendly to me so DH and I slowly pulled away. We have lots of our own friends and family in the local area that we spend time with so we really don't have a lot of time for neighborhood events. Most of the people who live here don't have a lot of local ties so they are all up in each other's business...ALL.THE.TIME.

We are good friends with 1 couple who are very involved in the communal lifestyle of the neighborhood and they always invite the whole neighborhood to all of their parties. I thought nothing of it-we had been to parties there before and I could hold my own.

Today, I freaked. I had a full on panic attack when I walked around the corner into their backyard. Some of the NMs (neighborhood mommies) were looking at me like "why are they here?" No smiles or anything....just mean girl faces. My heart started racing. I found my friend and explained that I felt stupid being there. She is a former infertile and she understands. I think she thinks I've moved on since we decided to adopt and I have but most people don't know yet and I felt so judged.

DH was no comfort. He yelled at me in the car for making him look stupid and told me he was disappointed in me. He felt better when my friend called to check on me and told me that she explained we had another engagement but wanted to drop off the gift in person. A few others had done the same and no one noticed our abrupt departure.

Couple that with my baby registry experience earlier in the day and the fact that it's almost THAT time of the month. I just got caught in the perfect storm. I'm doing much better after some TLC from DH and chocolate (not all at once.)

Tell me this stops. Does it stop when you are matched? When you finally hold your baby? When?

Hurry up..... and wait.

Yes....that's what we've been doing. A whole lot of waiting. Life has been busy beyond anything I've experienced this year. For starters....we completed our adoption ppwk, homestudy and profile in a timely manner. (That's a bit of an understatement...this type A, overachiever had everything done in 8 weeks despite having to rely on a few professionals who were dragging their feet.)

We ran into a bit of a snag thanks to our case worker and some information she neglected to provide. We had to wait another 4 weeks to complete our HS because I needed a letter from my therapist stating I am not in therapy because I want to harm myself or others or some such nonsense. I won't bore you with the details but suffice it to say that for nearly a month I was on the phone with the other people daily (CW,SW and  my therapist) when my CW should have handled it. The SW ended up contacting the agency director and lo and behold it was done the next day. As of June 4th, we went live with the agency. I'm not sure if we have been profiled yet but I will be checking with the agency this week and I'll let you all know :)

I don't have much of an excuse for not blogging except that I've been overwhelmed. Some of it is adoption related but some is with life in general. Here is our year-to-date at a glance for those who are interested:

Jan- We picked an agency and completed our required credits.
Feb-Worked on our ppwk.
Mar-Disney family vaca and visiting ILs in FL, refinanced the house
Apr-Nephew's 1st bday (out of town) and began homestudy. DH began a renovation on guest bed/bath that was finished at the end of June just in time for company
All while working on the profile book......
May- We finished our HS and the profile book
June- My Dad retired and we threw a huge family reunion for Dh's fam and had lots of company just about every week
July-My sis got married and DH had surgery and more overnight guests. Plus, I had a minor car accident.

I' m not even listing stuff like parties and usual bday celebrations. Whew! Now we are approaching August and we have lots of parties to attend and a getaway planned.

We have had an incredibly busy year and I have to say that both of us are happier than we have been in a long time. No more fertility treatments and there is no doubt in our minds that we'll be parents. We have been waiting about 8 weeks but it doesn't feel that long. Hopefully, we stay busy and continue to tolerate the waiting!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

A big huge update!

I can't believe it is already March....and that I haven't written in nearly 2 months. So much has happened and we are moving right along with the adoption process. Yay!

 I'll fill you in, but 1st lame ass apologies. Sorry....

Let me give you my list of excuses. I have not been blogging becasue of the following:

1. I have been far too busy with our adoption paperwork. You know, getting fingerprints done (and staying on H's ass so he gets his done,too) writing a bio for our SW(and taking notes as H dictates his bio so I can type it up....otherwise it will never be done), getting our financials together, etc.

2. I had the flu for a week and I just wasn't feelin' creative.

3. I was in FL for almost 2 weeks on vacation and other business (details to follow).

4. We had our taxes done....and that involves gathering lots of paperwork...almost as much as for the adoption. I know, right? Hard to believe since adoption paperwork gathering is like a full time job.

5. We have been working on refinancing the house. Yep, more paperwork.

6. I am helping my sis plan her 7/7/12 wedding. (Rings/dresses/place-check!)

7. I started and almost finished (!!!) our profile book. I have some pics from our recent vaca and my sweet nephew's 1st bday to add. I might be getting ahead of myself since we don't need to have it done until we are home study approved but I want our profile done so the SW can look at it and critique it. I want to "go live" and have our profile ready to be shown to birth parents the very minute our home study is complete.

8. The house is under major renovations on the top floor. H has 2 bedrooms ripped apart along with the guest bath. Our builder was horrible and he is rebuilding our house on the inside. Just today, he pulled a piece of molding off the floor only to find that they had the molding nailed through a pipe in the bathroom. I don't even want to get into the disaster it caused....but all of this needs to be done before he can start the "nursery to be". And all of this better be done before the SW visits. I've been cleaning out drawers and moving things from 1 room to another. It's actually good because we are doing some great things organizationally. H has termed this the year of organization since we are also redoing all of the closets and have spent more time at The Container Store year-to-date than the Employee of the Month. We were always pretty damned organized but now we are Martha Stewart, crazy organized.

Now, more about the business mentioned in excuse #3. You may or may not know my ILs live in FL. We love to visit but for one reason or another, it's been almost 2 years since we've been to their home. (Mostly due to treatment timing and the cost of treatments.) We've been anxious to head south and we knew that the adoption was not something we wanted to tell them over the phone. Around the same time, my sis and her family along with my parents decided to go to Disney so we did a little of both. We spent a few days in Disney with my fam (my ILs even joined us all for dinner twice!) and then we spent a week at the retirement community. My Ils are very excited for us. My MIL even told us that she wanted to suggest adoption but they decided to mind their own business. They are trilled at the idea of becoming grandparents again and so excited to share the news with the family and friends. Their reaction was more than we could have hoped for. From both families,actually. We are really lucky to be surrounded by loving and supportive family and friends...only the closest to us know right now and that's how we'll keep it until we are matched. It's no secret so if someone asks, we'll tell but it feels wrong to make a formal announcement without any real news. We both felt strange enough telling my MIL,FIL and H's brother and SIL. My family has known since day one but we are that family that is all up in each other's business all.the.time. You can't break a nail without someone hearing about it.

So, to recap....

Both families know and are happy.

We are done with our paperwork and awaiting our 1st appt. with the SW.

Our house is a mess a la' "the Money Pit".

We are well rested from vacation.

I think I've brought you up to speed. Again, sorry for going MIA but I expect to be around a lot more. thanks for reading!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

You know what they say about practice...

Babysitting is nothing new for me-I was the most sought after babysitter in Tioga Terrace when I was a teen-constantly booked. I sat for children as young as 3 months old. I think it's so funny how people were so much more willing to leave their babies with anyone back then. I have many friends who would never consider letting a teen watch their young children. Of course, I was uber responsible and I had a baby sister 10 years younger than me to practice with.

We're pretty close with many of our friends' children. (Not to mention our own niece and nephew) We are kind of like every one's Aunt and Uncle and we feel quite flattered by that. It got me thinking, though....Do you think children somehow know? Can they sense that we have had heartache and losses? Do they get some kind of vibe from us? I don't think we seem desperate but we always seem to become instant pals with the kids we know. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "He usually doesn't like strangers" or  "She doesn't let anyone else hold her". Even though H is so big children don't seem to be threatened by him at all. I always say it's because he has such a pure heart. :)  My mom always says kids like me because I have a sweet voice and I am sort of animated when I am around kids.

We do get asked to babysit a lot. People must think we do a good job because we always get asked back for return engagements. As a matter of fact, we hung out with 2 of our favorite little boys Saturday night . We also spent the evening with The Backyardigans, The Bubble Guppies and Yo Gabba, Gabba. We had a dance party and played catch, We had snacks and changed diapers and wiped runny noses. And we enjoyed every minute of it. We had to break up a few fights and separate them more than once but they still like us and we sad when we had to leave.

Whenever I see my massive husband (muscle not fat) with a little one I fall in love with him all over again. It is so sweet to see my giant of a man wiping a tiny little nose or grabbing a mini hand. My heart melts when I see a little person curled up in his lap while he reads a story. I can't wait for the day he becomes a father to our child. In the meantime, we have lots of people who are happy to let us practice with their children.

Friday, January 20, 2012

A very cold day and a very warm welcome....

I called H as soon as I got home from work tell him about my awful day and to complain about the sub zero temps. Brrrrrrr. He didn't answer...which is not unusual. I call him the same time everyday,otherwise he gets sad (cute,right?) I assumed he was either a.) involved in some political discussion with a co-worker or b.) talking to his parents or his retired Stockbroker friend. So, I left a message and started a load of darks. No big deal.

When he called me back, I actually learned that he was on the phone with AS. They received our check and registration paperwork and wanted to call and welcome us to the AS family! I was a little surprised that they didn't call me...the check was written from my individual account after all AND I was the one who called them so many times to ask questions. I was building relationships,dammit. And he got the welcome wagon call. *sigh*

Chalk one up for the agency, though. They were simply following the directions on the paperwork! When they asked for our phone numbers and the order we would like to be reached if they needed to get in touch with us, we decided (Uh, H decided) that his cell phone should be our main contact number. You see, we met with a couple who used the same agency and they stressed the importance of the agency always being able to reach us...we could miss out on a match opportunity! H always makes fun of me for never having my cell on and he also said that I might get too excited and say yes to any situation-even if it costs and extra $10,000 so we actually both know it's best for the level headed 1/2 of team S gets those calls.

So, we are set for our orientation and our weekend of home study classes! Let's hope it warms up a bit before we head out west.....

Monday, January 16, 2012

Signed, sealed and ready to be delivered!

The registration paperwork,that is.

Yep...we have chosen our agency and H & I spent the morning finishing the application and writing the 1st of many checks. Bye, bye $375. At least you are money well spent!

It's funny how we are both really in tune with our thoughts on adoption. I, being the OCD half of the pair, read through everything the day it arrived in the mail. (Ok, not before putting the dishes from my lunch bag in the dishwasher and changing into my after work lounging outfit.) When I asked him the questions I had already answered a million times in my head, I was surprised that his answers were so similar to my own. I don't know why I expected us to be divided on some of the questions they asked....we usually are on the same wavelength.

I even love the way we came to the decision to adopt. We each did a little research on our own (without telling each other) and we both talked a mile a minute during our initial discussion. We are definitely planners (hence, the blog title) but the timing was uncanny.

Maybe I built the adoption process up in my head and expected it to be really difficult every step of the way. I know...and I'm sure my friends who are adoptive parents will tell me that the hard stuff is coming up.... the home study and above all else, the wait. I can't believe I used to complain about the 2WW after an IVF cycle. A 2YW (year wait) may do me in!

We already have our 1st date set up with Adoption Star. We meet with the case worker and staff in 2 weeks and we also get to take our 5 home study classes all in 1 shot. This is the part H & I are really excited about. We know we have a bit to learn about adoption and we are looking forward to the guidance the agency will provide. We've started working on our profile book,too. I've already read just about every book out there and we have talked to several agencies and couples but this is where it gets real. Now, we have an agency and they are going to help us meet our baby!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Get to know me.....

Most people that actually do know me IRL, know that H and I have been trying to have a child for the past 6 years or so. Most people have stopped asking when it's going to happen. (Thank God) I think we must have exceeded some unspoken time frame or something. The occasional stranger will still ask if we have children and when I tell them no or not yet...depending on my mood, there is usually some awkward sentence uttered about how fun it is to try. I've never come right out and said "we can't have children" because we can...just not biological children. I've always known this. I will admit to being afraid to take that step. ART seemed like an easier option somehow. Cheaper too unless you're in as deep as we were. My standard line was always: "I just feel like I can't open myself up to another process". I'll be honest, it had a lot do do with money,too. $30k+ is a lot to shell out when most people just need their bodies and a few minutes. We had to let go of all that....the fact is, we cannot have a child the old fashioned matter how unfair we think it matter how important it is for us to be matter how much trying we do. And we do a lot of trying.

We also had to grieve the losses and I had to let go of the idea of a baby bump and baby kicks and breastfed children. If there is one thing I have come to realize,it is this: pregnancy is a temporary condition...parenthood is forever. Don't get me wrong, I miss my babies every day and I still wonder what could have been. Time and therapy have taught us that we can move on and we can be happy and we still can have what we want most.

The path to parenthood looks different for every family....even for the super fertile. Sure, it's easier for some but H & I have never gotten anything the easy way. Both of us have always worked very hard for everything so why should this be any different? It's just another challenge for us to tackle.

For more about how we made the decision to open our hearts to adoption, you can check out  my IVF blog

You see, this blog is all about our new beginning. No more putting our life on more cancelling plans with more missed vacations because we are cycling. We may have a long road ahead of us but we are looking forward with hope and excitement in our hearts. We both simply feel that some of the best days of our lives have not even happened yet.

Thanks for reading!