Calm breeze 3 column

Sunday, July 29, 2012

A breakdown that snuck up

Picture this:  a neighborhood party for a 2 year old. This neighborhood is filled with young families who have school aged children. I've been to plenty of these parties outside of said neighborhood since we began the adoption process. I even managed to show up for a few while I was dealing with fertility drugs and procedures at the peak of my hormonal-ness. I'll stay for a while,grab a bite to eat, do my best to smile and chat and make a graceful exit.

 My neighborhood is strange. I made it to the monthly bunco/drunko game and the block parties and Friday happy hours for the 1st couple of years but the more women that became pregnant, the harder it became for me to fit in. All anyone wanted to talk about was their pregnancies and their kids and I felt so out of place. It's different when you are friends with people and have other things in common besides your street name and some of these woman had nothing to say beyond diapers and daycare. Current events, anyone? Celebrity gossip? Have you read any good books lately? It all came down to baby,baby,baby. I never felt like anyone was that friendly to me so DH and I slowly pulled away. We have lots of our own friends and family in the local area that we spend time with so we really don't have a lot of time for neighborhood events. Most of the people who live here don't have a lot of local ties so they are all up in each other's business...ALL.THE.TIME.

We are good friends with 1 couple who are very involved in the communal lifestyle of the neighborhood and they always invite the whole neighborhood to all of their parties. I thought nothing of it-we had been to parties there before and I could hold my own.

Today, I freaked. I had a full on panic attack when I walked around the corner into their backyard. Some of the NMs (neighborhood mommies) were looking at me like "why are they here?" No smiles or anything....just mean girl faces. My heart started racing. I found my friend and explained that I felt stupid being there. She is a former infertile and she understands. I think she thinks I've moved on since we decided to adopt and I have but most people don't know yet and I felt so judged.

DH was no comfort. He yelled at me in the car for making him look stupid and told me he was disappointed in me. He felt better when my friend called to check on me and told me that she explained we had another engagement but wanted to drop off the gift in person. A few others had done the same and no one noticed our abrupt departure.

Couple that with my baby registry experience earlier in the day and the fact that it's almost THAT time of the month. I just got caught in the perfect storm. I'm doing much better after some TLC from DH and chocolate (not all at once.)

Tell me this stops. Does it stop when you are matched? When you finally hold your baby? When?

No comments:

Post a Comment