Calm breeze 3 column

Saturday, May 10, 2014

"Gotcha Day" recap

I am not even sure if we are correct in using the term "gotcha day"  but it seems to be a phrase that people understand. Maybe it's because they celebrate it on the show "Jessie" or maybe it is a word that is easy to remember. I know it is typically used to describe a foster situation but I do know some parents who have adopted newborns that refer to the day that the adoption in finalized as "gotcha day". My mom heard it from a friend and got super excited about the term and my Niece and Nephew are huge "Jessie" fans so adopting  the phrase to fit our situation just seems right.

It was a day of mixed emotions for me. Of course I am beyond thrilled to share our last name with our baby girl. I have been her mommy from the day I helped deliver her so it is kind of anticlimactic. Yet it feels wrong not to celebrate. It is certainly a milestone but I don't know if it feels right to distinguish the day the adoption was official from the day she was born. Also, the fact that another woman suffered a loss in order to make us parents does not escape me. I am sad for C. She posted on fb about going for a walk and feeling great because time heals everything and it made me a little sad.

The day itself seemed to reflect my feelings. It started out sunny and beautiful.  And then there were clouds and a few raindrops. The sun came out again.....bright as can be for a little while. Soon enough, the wind picked up and the sky was dark once again. On and on like that all day. It was a big topic of conversation amongst the people we came into contact with throughout the day.  The weather, not my comparison.

Speaking of people, G had quite the fan base at the courthouse. My parents wanted to there and our lawyer was there. Baby girl's court appointed Rep was not required to be there but asked us if she could attend so she could see G again because she was do cute and charming the 1st time they met :) even the super serious Policemen waving the metal detector wand up and down our bodies couldn't help but smile and get playful with her. Family court is not a very happy place from what I understand, so when smooth infant adoptions are on the docket it makes everyone happy.

It was so quick. We basically had to verify our signatures and confirm that we wanted to parent our girl. She was a little fussy in the courtroom (a very rare occurrence) so a part of me had to wonder if she felt like she sensed that the day was an end of something as well as a very happy beginning. I really hope that H and I can do justice to the miracle that is adoption when we speak about it to G. I don't ever want her to make feel like she was unwanted. I hope we can effectively communicate how blessed we all are to be a family without making her feel sad about her bm.

The judge was amazing...a man who has personal experience with adoption. He gsve our baby girl a (beany baby) seal in addition to his official seal and our lawyer presented her with a sweet toy elephant.  We all posed for pictures and the room was full of such joy and smiling faces. My mom had a special bell made with the date, G's name and the quote "Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings". 15 minutes tops to represent the nearly 9 months we waited to be officially called G's mommy and daddy. Fine by me! We ran out of there.

We commemorated the day by grabbing lunch with my parents at a place called Johnny's where busboy girl had her 1st taste of chicken (with the carbonnara sauce licked off but she still got diarrhea the next day). Then in the evening my sisters and their families joined us for pizza and cake that said "Gotcha". I am not sure if we will celebrate every year but I know I will never forget this day. Nor the fact that it was 2 days before mother's day.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Just another day

My baby is sleeping. My almost 9 month old baby girl is asleep downstairs and I miss her. Her rosy, cherub like cheeks are so tempting. She is so fun. She is happy and she plays and she has such a fiery little personality.  I want to pick her up and kiss her and snuggle her but she does not like to be snuggled when she is sleepy anymore. She likes her space. God, what will it be like when she is a teenager?

These are my thoughts the night before we finalize. It is just like any other night. I go to bed smiling after I spend the last few minutes of my day watching her and giving thanks for her. But tomorrow, we visit the judge and make everything legal. The state will finally acknowledge what we knew in our hearts the moment we witnessed her 1st breath. It feels like I am not making it big enough, yet for H and I, nothing will change.

We will come home from the courthouse and have pizza and cake with family to celebrate but it will be a day like any other. We loved her before we met her and we fall in love with her more every day.

That is definitely something to celebrate.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Catch 22

I don't know how it is nearly April or how my baby girl will be 8 months old in a few weeks. I had every intention of blogging from the beginning. I wanted to remember every little milestone, every noise, every glance. I wanted to record everything so that I can relive it over and over.

Obviously, I am not doing that. Some days I feel really sad about that.  I am afraid that I have forgotten so many of the little things and that they will be lost like the days and hours that have passed. Sometimes a memory will pop into my head during the day. I will remember the little elephant noises she made in her sleep for the 1st few weeks and how I wondered if it was normal. Or how she used to want me to snuggle her to sleep instead of wiggling out of my arms so she can fall asleep alone.

On the other hand, I don't want to miss a single second because I am too busy writing about her. I take some time to jot down the things she does but I wish I took the time to write what I think about it all. Motherhood has been such an incredible gift and I want all of the joy to last and last.

G will be our only baby and I think I have done a pretty good job of living in the moment with her. I hope I always will....even if I remember a little less :) I guess that is what she will want to remember.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

baby's first cold

I've been dreading this day since my baby girl was born. Right from the beginning the nurses warned us about too much sneezing and keeping the baby away from too many people, especially germy kids.

I have been vigilant about keeping grubby little hands away from my baby's face and making sure no one but Mommy and Daddy (plus a few in the inner circle) give kisses. I carry hand sanitizer and clean off grocery carts in order to avoid germs. I wouldn't dream of bringing her to a drugstore and we haven't gone to church because people go to church when they are sick.... healthy be damned. H and I were both very sick at Christmas and we kept baby girl healthy by washing our hands constantly and putting a hold on all kisses (which was seriously harder than anything I've ever done.)

I knew it was coming. Especially since it is winter. H and I both work at places where everyone shows up sick and we have had a few visitors under the age of 10.

I was prepared with saline drops,  Boogie Wipes and infant Tylenol. It was horrible to see her sick but I kept my cool. (Very unlike me) I called my Pedi with my list of questions and a list of things I had already done. The nurse who spoke with me was impressed and surprised I was only a first time mom. I felt validated if not a little proud.

 It breaks my heart to see her suffer but my girl is a tough cookie. She still has smiles for mommy and daddy and her spirits are pretty good. She's still a little restless at night and has a bit of a cough but I think we did a pretty good job taking care of her and not freaking. she is on the mend but she still has a residual cough. We see the pedi in a few days for shots so they will evaluate her then.

 I haven't told you much about her yet but she is a really good baby. It's rare that she cries or fusses. People are always surprised when they spend time with her. She's very easy going and we are so lucky. I think God knew what He was doing when He sent her to us.

Friday, January 31, 2014

My new title....


It has been quite a while since my last post. To say that my life changed dramatically is an understatement. As I sit here typing, my five and a half month old baby girl is sleeping in my lap. Her birthmother did not change her mind. She went through with the adoption plan and we have a beautiful, perfect story to tell.  I am not sure I'm ready to share it with the world yet. So it may be awhile before you read about it here. You will probably get bits and pieces for now. I will tell you that I did help deliver my baby girl and I was the first person to hold her in my arms and welcome her to this world. It has changed me in ways I never imagined.

It has been the most amazing few months of my life. At times I'm not even sure I have the words to describe it. If there's one thing I do regret it is that I have not been blogging and recording every little thing that happened, that  I felt and experienced. Although I have been enjoying every single second with my baby girl, I miss the fact that I didn't write anything down so that I can relive it and someday share it with my baby girl.

For now, I will tell you that she is healthy, strong and just beautiful (with the perfect amount of chub)

It's never too late to start though is it? Over the next few weeks I'll do my best to catch you up on what my life has been like as part of a family of 3.... finally!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Some news to share

I had a dream last Wednesday night. It took place out of town in some museum.  We (My Mom and my sisters and I ) were there for a reason but that is still not clear. I happened to be carrying around a baby girl. She was wearing a black velvet track suit (not my all). Somehow, my Mom knew this was my baby but it was a surprise to my sisters. Everything about the dream was so vivid. I will spare you the details but I can remember it so clearly and I woke up so happy and peaceful.

Later that afternoon, my Family Advocate called. She told us that the EM that looked at our profile the week before had chosen us. I know this is kind of a shock. I was afraid to jinx myself by saying anything.

You see, the week after our conference call with the agency Director, we received 2 profiling 1 week! The 1st call was a situation that we were not comfortable with but call #2 was regarding a baby girl due on July 10th. This (if everything goes according to plan) will be our baby girl.

At this point we have only told immediate family. We still have 58 days to go before the due date and then another 30 day wait once the baby is in our things could change. (Although we have been told the EM is sure about placing.)

To say we are happy doesn't even come close. We are euphoric! I am still being very cautious,though. H is working on the baby's room so I have to make some plans. I do admit to purchasing a bedding set so I can match the paint colors but it went against everything in my nature to do so.

I want to believe that this is IT but my past is long and heartbreaking when it comes to family building. One minute I am making registries and imagining a baby girl in my arms the next minute I am trying not to think about it. My stomach is in absolute knots and I haven't been sleeping great, either. Could it really be this easy for us? Let's hope so!

On the ride into work today, I had the thought that it is a good thing I never was pregnant. I have 58 days to wait and see how this all plays out.....9 months may have killed me.

Keep us in your thoughts and keep the EM in your thoughts as well. If it is this difficult for us, I can only imagine what she must be going through.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

A few developments

I have been so stressed lately. We are coming up on a year of being home study ready and some recent interactions with my agency had me feeling less than confident in their ability to find us a match.

My Family Advocate (FA) had not called me in months. If it were not for me reaching out then I am not sure if she would have. Hubby and I decided to take action and we booked a conference call with the agency Director/CEO. An adoptive Mom who started the agency 13 years ago. We met her a little over a year ago and felt that she would be able to help us.

The call went very well. We chose not to make it about our experience with our crappy FA (eloquent, I know but I can't seem to find a better word to describe her). Instead, we decided to try and get her to partner with us to come up with ideas about how we can get more profiling calls. She knew our file inside and out and that impressed us both. She did not think our grids were limiting us at all. In fact, most people are not open to out of state placements or face to face meetings with EPs. She loved our profile book and did not think it was an issue (especially considering only 1 couple has even seen it). She did suggest that we make it less wordy and get rid of a few red eye pics. 

She also explained that the profiling is done by EP request. If the expectant parents request a particular thing that does not match who you are (i.e having a dog, a particular degree, lives on a farm) then you will not be shown. EPs get to see 5 profiles so sometimes they will sneak in profiles from couples that have been waiting over a year even if they don't match exactly. That made us feel better,too. Unfortunately, I have no faith in our FA or the fact that she even remembers to pull our profile book when there are opportunities. Without asking, I was told that is not the case.

The best part of the call was when she told us "You will get your baby....I just don't know when but it will happen". I would love for my FA to be that supportive....sometimes you just need to be reassured. Right on the website, the agency lists the following characteristic as something that makes them stand out: "You will be provided your own agency representative known as a Family Advocate that will offer you support and compassion throughout the process." I dare say that we have experienced neither support nor compassion from our FA....and I know for a fact that other waiting families have the same complaint.

As far as I can tell, the conference call had the desired effect. We had the call the last Friday in April and we received 2 profiling calls that week. I'll share that news in another post.