Calm breeze 3 column

Monday, December 31, 2012

Reflecting on 2012

I am going to go on record and say that 2012 was a pretty good year.  Probably the best year since our 1st year of marriage. Much more happiness and far fewer tears than in recent years. I am calling it my turnaround year.

Our families both had much to celebrate....a wedding, new babies on the way, a retirement and some milestone birthdays. We also had a memorable vacation and plenty of good times with family and friends. Not to mention H and I getting home study approved and becoming adoptive parents -in- waiting.  We feel truly blessed.

365 days is a long time, but looking back, I don't know how it's possible that we are saying goodbye to another year. For the past few years I have said "good riddance" at 12:01am on January 1st. This year my attitude is a little different. I am looking forward to the new year with so much hope in my heart. I truly believe that this is the year that we become parents. I'll tell you a little something about the # 13. If you followed my IVF blog, you may recall that I had a few posts about that #. It seriously popped up somewhere in every it 13 eggs retrieved or 13 embryos growing or the fact that one of my retrievals was on the 13th. I can't help but think that the # must somehow be significant. Let's hope my instincts are correct!

Happy new year!

The Christmas gift that wasn't

Two days after Christmas, H came home with a big package from Home Depot. I think I was more excited about that package than I was with my new Kate Spade or my new Galaxy tab. You'll never guess what it is by my level of excitement so I'll cut to the chase. He brought me new toilet seats! One for every toilet in the house! Go ahead and laugh, judge me....I don't care. These new seats are going to make my life so much easier. They actually come off for easy cleaning. That's more working around those razor sharp hinges that rip my gloves and/or cuticles. But the best part is the fact that 2 of them have built in potty seats for little bums. I have always been freaked out at the idea of having potty seats laying around the bathroom when it's time to potty train. Now I don't have to worry about it. No game plan needed!

Now, ever since the "blender incident" of '04 (technically it was a juicer but it still made me cry) H knows that he cannot wrap up householdy things and expect me to jump for joy. His plan worked perfectly though. I love that man!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Post holiday blues

It's always such a let down. Christmas is over and we have a long winter ahead of us. My tree will come down, the family room furniture will go back to it's original configuration and the only evidence of the holiday will be the lingering bits of glitter that we'll find until mid July despite my militant cleaning schedule.

No more holiday treats. Time to bump up the intensity of workouts and wrap yourself in heavy sweaters and coats. It will seem like you will never have anything to look forward to again. Summer seems so far away (I am not a fan of spring in upstate NY.)

Gone is the holiday cheer and goodwill towards men (and women and children). Grumpiness takes over and everyone forgets how to play nice. I think that is always the worst part for me. I miss people smiling at me in the market or letting me out of the gas station parking lot instead of blocking the entrance.

Then the year will change and you will relive the past year. You will decide whether or not you did your best living it and promise that next year you will be a better person, make every moment count and do what you love. Sometimes I get a temporary boost from my commitment to my resolutions but January is a long hard month and I lose my steam again by the end of week 2.

Oh well. I guess we'll plan a vacation and hope for a very good year.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Baby proof

Something my house is not.

I discovered this when my 20 month old nephew came to visit this weekend. He is a very good boy and he listens to his parents but like a moth to the flame he is drawn to my sky high staircase (along with every other child from the time they could crawl).

When we were building the house, I don't think we realized how high these stairs would be. I seriously get dizzy looking down from the top step. That was just the tip of the iceberg though. I have nick knacks and picture  frames within reach of little hands. Especially around Christmas the stuff is irresistible for little ones. More sparkle, more decorations, more bright than the rest of the year.

It makes me long before we have to start thinking about this stuff? I know that we will have a few months before our LO will be able to reach the stairs but those stairs scare me without a baby in the house.

Everyone keeps telling me how next year things may be very different. That may or may not be true so my goal this holiday season is to spend it like it is my last. If our baby comes along we may not be able to run around visiting friends and relatives like we can now. A part of me knows how much I'll miss it all but H and I are both looking forward to some new traditions as a family of 3.

Have a very merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Answered prayers

Probably not in the way that you think but yesterday I was given a little more hope and a little more faith and I am so pleased about that.

Around 10:30 my cell rang and I saw that my agency was calling. I thought it might be another check in call or that they might be calling to tell us that we owe them paperwork and money. (We joined exactly a year ago and we need to renew our fee agreement. ) Are you sitting down? Because this time they were actually calling me about a profiling opportunity.

I almost wet my pants. It felt like I was getting a beta call. My heart was racing,I was on the verge of tears and I even got a little dizzy.

I won't keep you in suspense while I tell the story....we had to say no. It broke my heart but even though this wasn't our baby, my heart is warm just knowing that some lucky adoptive parent's dreams are going to come true this Christmas.

The BPs are very young. The BM is adopted and does not know anything about her family history except that her BM smoked pot when she was pg with her. She has aspergers and the BF has ADD and learning disabilities. I was given time to talk to H and a few professionals and was told that the likely hood of the baby boy (<3) being special needs was pretty high. I was also told that dealing with the BPs might be difficult as well. With the cost of adoption being what it is (and the certainty of the tax credit being taken away) we just don't have the means to handle a special needs child. They also want to see the child twice a year and all of that just felt like a lot to us.

I know that we cannot control what our child will be. I get that there is no way of telling if a baby will be healthy in all ways until after birth or in some cases as they grow and mature. H and I just felt like the odds were too great to take a chance. This may offend some people although I hope not. We also took into account the interest of the baby. We know that baby will be matched with a family who is just right for him. Even the case worker told us that if we had any doubts or concerns that it is not the right match for us or the baby.

Back to my prayers. For the past few weeks my standard bedtime prayer has ended with this sentence: "Please God....please just let us get a call before Christmas. Please just let this call show us that we are on the right path and that we will be parents."

Well.....I got exactly what I asked for. We got a call.....just because it wasn't our baby does not mean that God was not listening. I have a renewed sense of hope and I feel like this is real and like H said, next time I need to be more specific with my prayers ;)

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Prayers for Newtown and why I hate the media

Let's forget for a moment about the blatant use of the terms "adoptive mother" and "adoptive father". "Mother" and "Father" would suffice. Just this week, a local missing child case was reopened and every single report mentioned how "the adoptive father" was the last person to see him and how "the adoptive father" won't answer any questions. I will never understand why it matters. A father is a father. But I digress. I'm here today to talk about something that is on the minds of our country and I'm sure many people around the world.

The news reports are chilling. I find myself stopping to shed a tear if I think too much about it. Just this morning H caught me bawling while running on the treadmill from the reports I was seeing on The Today show. I am an emotional woman. Everyone knows this about me and I am probably one of the most sympathetic people you will ever meet. I cry when someone else has cramps. (Ok, not really but when I see someone in pain, I feel it.)  H says it is because I have had my own tragedies....from health issues to pregnancy losses and a few other things I don't discuss. He has become more sympathetic,too. (He thinks I am using my estrogen to turn him into a woman.)

This is why I get so pissed when all of the Reporters say things like "Every parents is feeling this tragedy" and " All parents across this country are sympathizing". Really? You mean to tell me that only parents can feel empathy for the poor people in that town and the tiny victims? Our local media even stalked parents at an elementary school to ask them what they thought of it all.

 Of course, I am offended because of our history of loss and failure at conceiving but I have to tell you that I know a lot of childless people,some even by choice, that are feeling this tragedy as well. My friend's sister died of cancer and it broke my heart. No, it has never happened to me but that doesn't mean that I can't sense the pain and feel that deep sadness. What about the 6 adults that were killed? I am sure some of them were husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons. I am a sister,a daughter, a wife and an aunt.

Savannah Guthrie got it right when she opened the show by saying that anyone who knows a child, loves a child or has cared for a child is so upset about this tragedy. (Not a direct quote but you get the picture) I have nieces and nephews that I adore and no, I am not raising them but they mean the world to me. To even think of someone hurting or killing children their age shakes me to the core.

Some days I wonder if we should even adopt. I wonder if I want to raise a child in a world where a gunman can walk into a school and kill children and steal the innocence of every child that witnessed the massacre. Things like this make me so afraid to become a parent and it makes me question my ability to do so.

I will continue to grieve like the rest of the country, parents and non- parents alike. My prayers and thoughts are concentrated on everyone involved from the victims to the emergency workers and police officers. But especially for the families, who have a long road ahead of them. I wish them peace and comfort and that someday they can find their way back to happiness and joy.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Self pity stinks

I just said it in my last post. I have already had enough. I really don't want anymore thrown my way but God/the universe/life seems to have other plans for me.

My 39 year old sister called me this morning at work to tell me that her boobs are sore and she is pukey. Her period is 5 days away but she thinks she might be pg.  She has been trying since July. I know how she feels and I get that she is excited and nervous and all that. I get that she is coming to me because I am practically a Gyno thanks to all of the reproductive fun and games I have participated in for the last 6 years or so but add that to the fact that it is almost Christmas and that Monday is the day my baby boy would have been born 3 years ago and what you have is a very bitter, sad and hopeless me.

I want to be supportive and I want to be happy. I have been where she is. I can remember the days of taking tests when I though my period was late and hoping against hope that a baby would be on the way. Every twinge, every little thing that felt different in my body was a pregnancy symptom. It's exciting and it's heartbreaking when you finally start the flowin'. She has been through that for the past few months and I hate that she has. I would never want to see her go through the pain of infertility treatments or pregnancy loss. I love her and I want more for her.

On the other hand, a part of me is so incredibly sad to have another person pregnant before I have had my shot at motherhood. Especially since it has been a constant occurrence for the past 6 years. We are close so I can't run away from her like I can with other people. The thing is, I really want her to have a baby. I want another niece or nephew and I have even prayed to God for us to get our babies at the same time. H and I know that we will be done after 1 child so I think it would be incredible to have cousins who are the same age that can grow up together. Any baby in my family would make me really happy but that cloud will probably always hang over my head.

Perhaps one wanna- be -Mommy's wish will come true this Christmas.

I don't want to feel pitiful during the holidays. I want to celebrate with a full and joyous heart but I'm struggling and I can't dig myself out of this hole right now. Being positive is exhausting.

Thanks for listening.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

It's just too much.

The holidays. The EDD for miscarriage #2 (and the 3rd birthday of my "due date twin's" twins) No matches yet. My sister just jumping on the TTC/infertility carousel. H's SIL on pregnancy #2. The fiscal cliff and what that might mean for the Adoption Tax Credit and our best shot at affording adoption without going broke. Multiple (as in more than 11) photo Christmas cards of other people's kids. There is a whole list of non-child related stuff,too.

We are going on Christmas #7 trying to grow our family but there are still just 2 of us. The 1st year was the best year. We were having lots of sex and we were oblivious to the fact that it was never going to work. The 2nd year I was really sick with Crohn's issues and the 3rd,4th,and 5th years we were taking breaks between IVF treatments. Year #6 was the year we decided to adopt and we probably felt the most optimistic about our future. I even thought we might have some news by now. (Not H....he is a bit more cynical) I'm getting so tired. Tired of the longing. Tired of the fear. Tired of wondering when. Tired of everyone else having everything come easy to them.

It's been a rough week and I'm just in "that place" right now. Thanks for letting me unload.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The latest unfulfilling conversation

After leaving multiple messages in the span of 3 days (including the one from H that prompted the  phone call) I finally connected with my SW. She was on her way to a meeting and did not have much time for me but it was oh so important for her to return my call since she knew I was concerned. (eye roll) As a matter of fact, I felt downright rushed. She did confirm that she is, indeed, still our SW. She tried to assure me that we will not be affected by the recent staff issues and that we have not fallen through the cracks. She gave me the same standard answer that she has given me every month about how our profile grids look good and that X months is not that long and that once someone sees our profile they could not possibly not adore us.

Again, no matches for our grids. I had a list of questions to ask....How many infants matching our grids have been placed since we were waiting? Can I get a description of the types of placements you are doing? How do you decide how many and which adoptive parent profiles to show (barring any specifics that the BPs insist on that we don't meet) ?

Unfortunately, I didn't get any answers. I did get told 8 times that what I need to do is relax and enjoy the holidays with my family. (Really? Has this woman ever worked with infertile adoptive parents- in -waiting because we sure heard enough of that business when we were trying to conceive)

My questions will have to wait until January, I suppose. I really do want to enjoy the holidays. Every year I make homemade pierogis with my parents and my mom and sisters and I spend a day making about 20 kinds of Xmas cookies to share and give as gifts to a lucky few. As much as I enjoy these activities, I sure wouldn't mind a little peanut of my own to take me away from all of it next Christmas!