Calm breeze 3 column

Friday, December 14, 2012

Self pity stinks

I just said it in my last post. I have already had enough. I really don't want anymore thrown my way but God/the universe/life seems to have other plans for me.

My 39 year old sister called me this morning at work to tell me that her boobs are sore and she is pukey. Her period is 5 days away but she thinks she might be pg.  She has been trying since July. I know how she feels and I get that she is excited and nervous and all that. I get that she is coming to me because I am practically a Gyno thanks to all of the reproductive fun and games I have participated in for the last 6 years or so but add that to the fact that it is almost Christmas and that Monday is the day my baby boy would have been born 3 years ago and what you have is a very bitter, sad and hopeless me.

I want to be supportive and I want to be happy. I have been where she is. I can remember the days of taking tests when I though my period was late and hoping against hope that a baby would be on the way. Every twinge, every little thing that felt different in my body was a pregnancy symptom. It's exciting and it's heartbreaking when you finally start the flowin'. She has been through that for the past few months and I hate that she has. I would never want to see her go through the pain of infertility treatments or pregnancy loss. I love her and I want more for her.

On the other hand, a part of me is so incredibly sad to have another person pregnant before I have had my shot at motherhood. Especially since it has been a constant occurrence for the past 6 years. We are close so I can't run away from her like I can with other people. The thing is, I really want her to have a baby. I want another niece or nephew and I have even prayed to God for us to get our babies at the same time. H and I know that we will be done after 1 child so I think it would be incredible to have cousins who are the same age that can grow up together. Any baby in my family would make me really happy but that cloud will probably always hang over my head.

Perhaps one wanna- be -Mommy's wish will come true this Christmas.

I don't want to feel pitiful during the holidays. I want to celebrate with a full and joyous heart but I'm struggling and I can't dig myself out of this hole right now. Being positive is exhausting.

Thanks for listening.

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