Probably not in the way that you think but yesterday I was given a little more hope and a little more faith and I am so pleased about that.
Around 10:30 my cell rang and I saw that my agency was calling. I thought it might be another check in call or that they might be calling to tell us that we owe them paperwork and money. (We joined exactly a year ago and we need to renew our fee agreement. ) Are you sitting down? Because this time they were actually calling me about a profiling opportunity.
I almost wet my pants. It felt like I was getting a beta call. My heart was racing,I was on the verge of tears and I even got a little dizzy.
I won't keep you in suspense while I tell the story....we had to say no. It broke my heart but even though this wasn't our baby, my heart is warm just knowing that some lucky adoptive parent's dreams are going to come true this Christmas.
The BPs are very young. The BM is adopted and does not know anything about her family history except that her BM smoked pot when she was pg with her. She has aspergers and the BF has ADD and learning disabilities. I was given time to talk to H and a few professionals and was told that the likely hood of the baby boy (<3) being special needs was pretty high. I was also told that dealing with the BPs might be difficult as well. With the cost of adoption being what it is (and the certainty of the tax credit being taken away) we just don't have the means to handle a special needs child. They also want to see the child twice a year and all of that just felt like a lot to us.
I know that we cannot control what our child will be. I get that there is no way of telling if a baby will be healthy in all ways until after birth or in some cases as they grow and mature. H and I just felt like the odds were too great to take a chance. This may offend some people although I hope not. We also took into account the interest of the baby. We know that baby will be matched with a family who is just right for him. Even the case worker told us that if we had any doubts or concerns that it is not the right match for us or the baby.
Back to my prayers. For the past few weeks my standard bedtime prayer has ended with this sentence: "Please God....please just let us get a call before Christmas. Please just let this call show us that we are on the right path and that we will be parents."
Well.....I got exactly what I asked for. We got a call.....just because it wasn't our baby does not mean that God was not listening. I have a renewed sense of hope and I feel like this is real and like H said, next time I need to be more specific with my prayers ;)