Lawyerin' up...

We met with an attorney for the 1st time on our 7th anniversary. Uh, not THAT kind of attorney. Despite all we have been through we are still quite happily married! I'm referring to the adoption attorney. We both really liked her and we learned quite a bit.

She gave us some real life examples of some calls we could receive and some situations we could become involved in. When the agency gave us examples, they weren't quite as dark. Some of it was pretty scary stuff but it helps to know that she is someone we can contact if we do feel like there might be legal issues regarding the birth parents or our child.  It also helps to know that we are not locked into anything and that we shouldn't feel guilty if something doesn't feel right and we need to say no. She told us to prepare ourselves,that we will probably get a last minute call instead of a call with months to prepare like I envisioned.

It was great to meet with someone outside of the agency who was able to speak frankly and to give us some tips about dealing with the agency. I think it made us feel better and almost safer to know that we have someone else in our corner. Yeah, I know....another person that we have to pay,too. She was also able to give us an idea of the types of expenses we might run into and it was not quite as bad as I originally though. I think we were both expecting it to be much higher.

Still no word on a match but I'm still feeling optimistic....not sure how much longer that will last, but for now, I'm doing fine.

Seven years.....

almost! On the 24th it will be our 7th anniversary. Seven is my lucky number and I'm hoping this will be our lucky year.

To celebrate, we will be meeting our adoption lawyer for the 1st time. We wanted to meet with her and start to build a relationship before we actually need her for finalization. Truth be told, H forgot it was our anniversary and booked the appt. a few weeks ago. He was planning on attending the meeting and then going to play racquetball. He has never forgotten our anniversary before but I know it's because he has so much on his mind. At least he never forgot my birthday (I can't say the same.....) I do kind of like the idea of us starting our 8th year of marriage doing something that is going to help us build our family.

Every year H and I say "Maybe next year we will have a baby". This is the closest we have come....as adoptive parents in waiting. Next year we really might!

Fall ya'll!

Although the calendar has not officially confirmed it, autumn is here and so begins my most favorite time of year! Some of my best days were fall days. Like my wedding....and the year H and I went to ME....and too many other to list. I always say I love the 4th quarter (a term I picked up from my years in finance.) I am at my happiest right up until I need to return to work after the holidays.

It all starts with a little chill in the air....still warm enough to enjoy the outdoors without freezing my ass off. I go to see my niece and nephew play soccer or I'll take a walk by the river. I start using fresh apples in my cooking and I bake yummy pumpkin flavored treats. I pull out my cable knit sweater ballerina flats and my cozy sweaters and do lots of cuddling with H.

Lots of planning goes on...my weekends start to book up with our annual family trip (girls only) to the Yankee flagship store and our Christmas cookie bake- a -thon. I'm too busy to think and that is how I like it. It keeps me out of trouble and I'm hoping that this year, it will keep my mind off of the fact that we are still waiting. H & I would love to be able to share our love of the season with our little one next year :)

Ahhhhhh....acupuncture

Why did I stay away so long? I haven't felt this good in months. I have a long way to go to get back to where I was but I had the best sleep last night. H said I didn't even move. I don't recall any bad dreams, either and my patience is back. I am more energetic and not as anxious. The 3 lb weight loss was another positive side effect. Water weight.... sure but who wants to carry water weight around?

I have got to make time for myself....while I still have time. Once there is a baby in the house I may not be able to go to acupuncture or workout like I do now. I'm not naive. I know things are going to change. I'd love to keep it up because it just gives me balance but I'll just have to see. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy every session and work on staying as healthy and centered as possible. If you haven't tried it, i hgihly recommend it! It's not just for infertility anymore.

Happy and sad....

I pinned a quote from my friend on Pinterest and it totally sums up how I’m feeling today.

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." ~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Full disclosure: I never read the book so I'm not sure of the context in which it was used but the stand alone quote made me stop in my tracks. I’m feeling so damn conflicted right now.

I’m happy with our decision to adopt and for a bit of little time to save some cash. H and I are also renovating what will be the nursery and doing as much as we can as a couple in the way of trips and nights out and alone time. I’m sure you’ve heard me say all of this before. Perhaps I am reiterating just to reassure myself. In general, I feel like life is going ok and I am handling whatever does not.

On the other hand…..the adoption situation is threatening my very sanity. Last week marked month #3 of being home study approved with our agency. As of yesterday afternoon, the agency still has not shown our profile book to anyone. That is ZERO profiling opportunities in a 3 month time frame. I’m a little surprised. I guess I expected that we would least have been shown to 1 potential BM by now. Most of the adoptive parents from our agency that I know had quite a few profiling opportunities much earlier on than this. H & I knew going in that we would have (approx.) a 9-18 months wait but we expected to be turned down or maybe that a BF would change their minds but not that there would be no one placing their child with the criteria we specified. I have been told by the Caseworker each and every month that we are fairly open with our situations....more so than some of the other waiting families so I think it is a little strange.

All we can do is wait. We don't want just any baby...we want our baby. I keep telling myself that. In the meantime, I'll be riding this emotional roller coaster.

A preoccupied mind.

Oatmeal bubbled out of the bowl in the microwave (volcano style)-check. Forgot to shave 1 leg and had to get back in the shower after already lotioning up-check. Underwear inside out-check. Accidentally told a client I loved them (“bye, love you”) –check.

All I can tell you is that I have loads on my mind. It seems to be causing lots of accidents and sleepless nights. How about the weight gain? My diet and exercise routines have not changed. I suppose I could blame it on stress…my anxiety level has probably doubled since my last contact with the agency. A friend suggested I touch base with them today…that I might feel better if I get a pep talk from my Case Worker. The problem is, I don’t know if I want to hear the news that our profile still hasn’t been shown to anyone yet. I can’t believe I am not handling this better after all everything I went through with the fertility treatments.

 I booked my Acupuncturist for next Tuesday. It’s been too long and I know she can help. In the meantime, if I walk right by you on the street, do not be alarmed and please forgive me. ;)

Labor day weekend 2011...

I was gearing up for my very last IVF cycle. Now, we are home study approved and waiting for our wee one to find us. It's so hard for me to believe that year has passed. We've come so far but it still feels like it will be eons before we become parents.

I know, it has only been 3 months since we were approved and so many of my friends who have adopted have waited waaaaayyyyy beyond that for news. I didn't expect it to be so difficult. I felt like once we finished our paperwork and interviews that I would feel a giant sense of relief. I did but that only lasted for about 2.5 weeks.

I'm having such anxiety. On the one hand, I am happy for a little extra time to save some money and get rid of the last bit of debt. I have been able to organize like never before-I even finally made my binders with all our accounts and passwords,etc. My recipes are organized and all of my closets and the pantry and even the stockpile in the basement have been purged and rearranged for maximum efficiency. It's just so hard not knowing ANYTHING. I didn't think it would affect me like this. Are we going to get a call that tells us we have 5 months to wait or are we going to get that call that tells us to drop everything and hop in the car to come pick up our baby? Obviously I am a planner and my world has turned upside down. IVF was tough but this is definitely a new level of torture for me. Are we going to know who the birth father is? Will we have to wait while the birth mother makes up her mind? Will there be health issues? Will the birth mother want to meet us? Those are just a few of the questions plaguing me right now.

I know....when we finally meet our baby I'll forget about all this. I'm ready to move on, though. Looking forward to a whole new set of anxiety inducing circumstances.