How open is open?

The longer we wait, the more time I have to look into (and ok, obsess) about what our situation might look like. There is no way to tell what kind of placement call we will get but that doesn't stop my brain from running through all possible scenarios. Yep....madness.

A situation came up on an adoption message board that I frequent that I never would have thought about. The poster was an expectant mom (EM) who was not sure about wanting to make an adoption plan. She asked if any adoptive parents (APs) would be willing to have monthly visits with her. I was a bit taken aback by the fact that an adoption plan with that kind of parameters would even be a possibility. The EM said that she did not want her child to forget her. I can't possibly understand where she is coming from and I am sure it is quite painful for her but I can't imagine it is easy for most birth moms. Yet, people actually said that this type of arrangement does exist. In no way am I judging them. If it works for them I think it's great. I don't think I have a big enough heart for that type of thing.

H and I want an open adoption. We see it as being the best thing for the child and I love to make friends so I cannot imagine not treating a BM like a member of our family. We would be open to monthly photos and cards and 1-2 visits per year at 1st.  Any changes to that agreement would absolutely depend on the relationship that develops.

However, once a month seems so excessive for everyone involved. Wouldn't the child be confused?  We don't want to be taken advantage of and we certainly do not want any help in raising our child. (As it is, I am sure the grandparents will do their share of  running interference.) Our lives are really busy now...without children. We already know we will have to make some minor adjustments to our schedules. Not to mention the fact that we only see my family  (local) about once per month or so and H's family (far away) about twice per year. We just couldn't commit to that much.

I guess that's another thing to add to the prayer list.....a healthy relationship with the birth mom and/or dad.