Sometimes cheesy movies have a good message...

Notes from the Heart Healer starring Genie Francis and Ted Mcginley

This was one cheesy movie. It was made in 2011 and if you don't know who either of these actors are, I would not be surprised. When I was in HS (and I am middle aged) Genie Francis was on a soap and she was in her 30s then (at least). Ted Mcginley was on Happy Days....which was cancelled about 25 years ago or so. So this is not a young couple. As a matter of fact, makeup could not even hide the age lines. C'mon Lifetime/Hallmark, couldn't you cast someone a bit more believable, age wise? I know. Lifetime/Hallmark.......what do I expect?

Anyway, this "not young" couple had a baby land on their doorstep. The young teenage Mom was in some kind of trouble and just left the baby and ran. When the teenager came back for her baby, the wife got attached and decided she wanted to try for a baby. I dozed off because the movie wasn't very good so I am not sure if they wanted to adopt or if dhe was planning on getting pg. (Eggs are not like fine wine. Age=bad) The husband thought they were too old .(I agree with him...I am sure they are members of the AARP).

I did wake up just in time for the husbsnd to have a change of heart (which only meant that he agreed to pursue family building activities.... whatever they maybe) I figured if these old farts can decide to have a baby, H and I will be ok when we are finally matched. Just another confirmation that we must be on the right path. Unlike my IVF journey, something always happens to restore my faith when I waiver....be it a goofy movie or a call from the agency.

How open is open?

The longer we wait, the more time I have to look into (and ok, obsess) about what our situation might look like. There is no way to tell what kind of placement call we will get but that doesn't stop my brain from running through all possible scenarios. Yep....madness.

A situation came up on an adoption message board that I frequent that I never would have thought about. The poster was an expectant mom (EM) who was not sure about wanting to make an adoption plan. She asked if any adoptive parents (APs) would be willing to have monthly visits with her. I was a bit taken aback by the fact that an adoption plan with that kind of parameters would even be a possibility. The EM said that she did not want her child to forget her. I can't possibly understand where she is coming from and I am sure it is quite painful for her but I can't imagine it is easy for most birth moms. Yet, people actually said that this type of arrangement does exist. In no way am I judging them. If it works for them I think it's great. I don't think I have a big enough heart for that type of thing.

H and I want an open adoption. We see it as being the best thing for the child and I love to make friends so I cannot imagine not treating a BM like a member of our family. We would be open to monthly photos and cards and 1-2 visits per year at 1st.  Any changes to that agreement would absolutely depend on the relationship that develops.

However, once a month seems so excessive for everyone involved. Wouldn't the child be confused?  We don't want to be taken advantage of and we certainly do not want any help in raising our child. (As it is, I am sure the grandparents will do their share of  running interference.) Our lives are really busy now...without children. We already know we will have to make some minor adjustments to our schedules. Not to mention the fact that we only see my family  (local) about once per month or so and H's family (far away) about twice per year. We just couldn't commit to that much.

I guess that's another thing to add to the prayer list.....a healthy relationship with the birth mom and/or dad.

Are we doing the right thing?

Life is going on all around me...pg friends are getting closer to their due dates, we booked our annual spring vaca and I am back into my workout schedule full swing ( my poor little wing that I injured by falling in the bathtub while trying to clean is much better thanks to the Chiropractor ).

We are trying to keep busy. We are going to parties and having dinner nights with friends. Despite the sub zero temps we have been quite social. H is working on the "nursery" and I am immersing myself in researching baby gear. Somehow, I don't feel the pressure I did a few months ago. I think a part of me thinks this is not going to happen. One day I feel glad that we have this time to really prepare (and save some money) and the next day I feel like it is taking sooooooooo loooooooong. I am afraid the longer it takes....the more difficult it will be for us to adjust. Let's be honest....we are NOT getting younger. Sleepless nights and countless diaper changes are on the way......what if it takes another year....or longer?! Most friends our age have kids in school. Some days I wonder if we are meant to be child free.

13 again...

I received an email from my agency yesterday regarding an event they are holding at their brand new location. The date of the event is 3/13/13 and will commemorate their 13th anniversary. I seriously cannot get away from this number. Perhaps it needs to replace 7 as my lucky number. Just further evidence (in my bizarre, needing-an-answer-for-everything mind) that this is "our year". The year for us to see all of our dreams of the past few years coming true.

Happiness found on the calendar

Today, I finally got around to organizing my 2013 calendar. This is one of my favorite January tasks (some of my least favorite tasks include cleaning out the fridge and freezer and reorganizing the pantry) As I filled in our important dates, I discovered something that fills me with hope.

In June, H will turn 40. (He has already admitted to having a bit of a mid life crisis...he is talking about tattoos and he just bought a sports car.) His birthday always falls around father's day....something he never fails to complain about. It has been particularly hard for him since we started going through the infertility treatments. The year that I lost the baby 3 days before mother's day was probably the worst.

This year, I noticed that his birthday is actually ON father's day. I can't help but think that it is some kind of sign.  A 40th birthday on father's day without being a father when you want it so bad would be too cruel....especially after all that has already been taken from us. In my heart I just know that we are bound to hear something by then!

All evidence of the holiday...gone.

Yes, we just finished taking down the tree. It is perfectly fine (and expected in some cultures!) to leave the tree up until after epiphany. So technically, I am a bit ahead of schedule. As sad as it always is for me to see the tree and the rest of my lovely decorations go, I was getting a bit tired of looking at it all. It's almost like it needs to go away before the new year can begin for me. It had nothing to do with being lazy...if you know me, you know that everything I do goes fairly quickly and easily due to my superior organization skills. Yeah, I'll say it. I don't do very many things well but I do love order and I work very hard to keep it restored. The timing of Christmas was strange this year. Whenever it falls on a Tuesday, we get gypped with vacation days and it throws everything off, including the disassembling of my holiday.

As a matter of fact, I went a bit overboard this year editing my decorations. I have a box of items to give away and a pile I donated to the trash. For all of the treasures that remained, I wrapped them in new tissue paper and boxes and packed them in plastic bins by category (ornaments, white outdoor lights, fireplace decor....you get the idea.....I won't get into the sub categories such as soft ornaments/glitter ornaments/word ornaments,etc.) As I lovingly packed my once a year stuff, I couldn't help but wonder what next year might bring. Would I have as much time to devote to dressing up our home for the holidays or would I be too busy with a new love. The next time I open those red and green holiday bins, our life could be completely changed. This is probably the only time I have ever been enthusiastic about this most hated job. How can I not be?

Hello 2013!

I hope you are kind to me and mine. 2012 was the 1st time in a long time that I didn't get beat up and I liked it. As far as I can tell,  there is a lot to look forward to and lots to be thankful for in the year ahead. I do have a few wishes for the coming year and a few things I would like to accomplish.

My biggest wish is for us to meet our baby and for that baby to be healthy. That alone would probably make my year (H"s,too) but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have a few more things in mind...like the reinstatement of the tax credit for adoptive parents. While we are at it, it would be great if the economy would turn around.

I am going to work on being kinder and having more patience. It's something I'm always working on but it's easy to lose focus when you worry about your own problems and are  not being mindful.

 I'm also more committed to my health this year. I always exercise and watch what I eat but I am going to make it a point to learn about what is best for my body and getting my nutrients from my food as opposed to eating for calorie control. My recent bout with anemia has taught me that my body just won't work if I keep pushing myself even when something doesn't feel quite right.

These aren't resolutions. I don't make them anymore. January 1st, the 1st day of the year is just as good a day as any to make a change or two!6