Babies, Babies, Babies!

If you only could get pregnant like you catch the flu or a cold or chicken pox, I'd be glowing. *sigh* I'm quite sure it does not rub off and I am not going to catch it. There really is no way for me to get pg at this point anyway. But maybe....just maybe.....if I hold enough babies the universe will pick up on it and send us our baby. Do you think it works that way?

In the past 24 hrs. or so, I've been exposed to 3 different babies...ranging in age from 7 weeks to 11 weeks. The 2 that I held were so precious and snuggled right up to me. (the 3rd was screaming her pretty little head off and wouldn't let anyone touch her. Go figure, the only girl.....)  Both boys moms were surprised and both said that the babies were "in love with me". It was so sweet and such a good feeling. It always makes me feel like such a good person when I am around babies. I seem to know what to do and I think they must pick up on that. Or maybe my babies are around me and telling them not to be afraid of me. I like that thought :)

H has been so concerned lately about the baby not taking to us but I never was. I like to remind him how much our niece and nephew adore him and want him around all the time but he was always afraid of them when they were newborns. He is a big guy and I think he is afraid he would have hurt them. Because of that he never really bonded with them until they were a little older and wanted to be carried on his shoulders or  fall asleep on his massive chest. I think he is afraid that will happen with our baby,too. I think this is where is worries about the loss of a bio connection.

I keep telling him it will be different when we have our own.....and that a bio connection has nothing to do with it.  I hope he gets the picture before we actually do become parents. I wish I could get rid of his anxiety.....Must get him out to visit more babies. Looks like I have my winter project!

Lawyerin' up...

We met with an attorney for the 1st time on our 7th anniversary. Uh, not THAT kind of attorney. Despite all we have been through we are still quite happily married! I'm referring to the adoption attorney. We both really liked her and we learned quite a bit.

She gave us some real life examples of some calls we could receive and some situations we could become involved in. When the agency gave us examples, they weren't quite as dark. Some of it was pretty scary stuff but it helps to know that she is someone we can contact if we do feel like there might be legal issues regarding the birth parents or our child.  It also helps to know that we are not locked into anything and that we shouldn't feel guilty if something doesn't feel right and we need to say no. She told us to prepare ourselves,that we will probably get a last minute call instead of a call with months to prepare like I envisioned.

It was great to meet with someone outside of the agency who was able to speak frankly and to give us some tips about dealing with the agency. I think it made us feel better and almost safer to know that we have someone else in our corner. Yeah, I know....another person that we have to pay,too. She was also able to give us an idea of the types of expenses we might run into and it was not quite as bad as I originally though. I think we were both expecting it to be much higher.

Still no word on a match but I'm still feeling optimistic....not sure how much longer that will last, but for now, I'm doing fine.

Seven years.....

almost! On the 24th it will be our 7th anniversary. Seven is my lucky number and I'm hoping this will be our lucky year.

To celebrate, we will be meeting our adoption lawyer for the 1st time. We wanted to meet with her and start to build a relationship before we actually need her for finalization. Truth be told, H forgot it was our anniversary and booked the appt. a few weeks ago. He was planning on attending the meeting and then going to play racquetball. He has never forgotten our anniversary before but I know it's because he has so much on his mind. At least he never forgot my birthday (I can't say the same.....) I do kind of like the idea of us starting our 8th year of marriage doing something that is going to help us build our family.

Every year H and I say "Maybe next year we will have a baby". This is the closest we have come....as adoptive parents in waiting. Next year we really might!

Fall ya'll!

Although the calendar has not officially confirmed it, autumn is here and so begins my most favorite time of year! Some of my best days were fall days. Like my wedding....and the year H and I went to ME....and too many other to list. I always say I love the 4th quarter (a term I picked up from my years in finance.) I am at my happiest right up until I need to return to work after the holidays.

It all starts with a little chill in the air....still warm enough to enjoy the outdoors without freezing my ass off. I go to see my niece and nephew play soccer or I'll take a walk by the river. I start using fresh apples in my cooking and I bake yummy pumpkin flavored treats. I pull out my cable knit sweater ballerina flats and my cozy sweaters and do lots of cuddling with H.

Lots of planning goes on...my weekends start to book up with our annual family trip (girls only) to the Yankee flagship store and our Christmas cookie bake- a -thon. I'm too busy to think and that is how I like it. It keeps me out of trouble and I'm hoping that this year, it will keep my mind off of the fact that we are still waiting. H & I would love to be able to share our love of the season with our little one next year :)

Ahhhhhh....acupuncture

Why did I stay away so long? I haven't felt this good in months. I have a long way to go to get back to where I was but I had the best sleep last night. H said I didn't even move. I don't recall any bad dreams, either and my patience is back. I am more energetic and not as anxious. The 3 lb weight loss was another positive side effect. Water weight.... sure but who wants to carry water weight around?

I have got to make time for myself....while I still have time. Once there is a baby in the house I may not be able to go to acupuncture or workout like I do now. I'm not naive. I know things are going to change. I'd love to keep it up because it just gives me balance but I'll just have to see. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy every session and work on staying as healthy and centered as possible. If you haven't tried it, i hgihly recommend it! It's not just for infertility anymore.

Happy and sad....

I pinned a quote from my friend on Pinterest and it totally sums up how I’m feeling today.

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." ~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Full disclosure: I never read the book so I'm not sure of the context in which it was used but the stand alone quote made me stop in my tracks. I’m feeling so damn conflicted right now.

I’m happy with our decision to adopt and for a bit of little time to save some cash. H and I are also renovating what will be the nursery and doing as much as we can as a couple in the way of trips and nights out and alone time. I’m sure you’ve heard me say all of this before. Perhaps I am reiterating just to reassure myself. In general, I feel like life is going ok and I am handling whatever does not.

On the other hand…..the adoption situation is threatening my very sanity. Last week marked month #3 of being home study approved with our agency. As of yesterday afternoon, the agency still has not shown our profile book to anyone. That is ZERO profiling opportunities in a 3 month time frame. I’m a little surprised. I guess I expected that we would least have been shown to 1 potential BM by now. Most of the adoptive parents from our agency that I know had quite a few profiling opportunities much earlier on than this. H & I knew going in that we would have (approx.) a 9-18 months wait but we expected to be turned down or maybe that a BF would change their minds but not that there would be no one placing their child with the criteria we specified. I have been told by the Caseworker each and every month that we are fairly open with our situations....more so than some of the other waiting families so I think it is a little strange.

All we can do is wait. We don't want just any baby...we want our baby. I keep telling myself that. In the meantime, I'll be riding this emotional roller coaster.

A preoccupied mind.

Oatmeal bubbled out of the bowl in the microwave (volcano style)-check. Forgot to shave 1 leg and had to get back in the shower after already lotioning up-check. Underwear inside out-check. Accidentally told a client I loved them (“bye, love you”) –check.

All I can tell you is that I have loads on my mind. It seems to be causing lots of accidents and sleepless nights. How about the weight gain? My diet and exercise routines have not changed. I suppose I could blame it on stress…my anxiety level has probably doubled since my last contact with the agency. A friend suggested I touch base with them today…that I might feel better if I get a pep talk from my Case Worker. The problem is, I don’t know if I want to hear the news that our profile still hasn’t been shown to anyone yet. I can’t believe I am not handling this better after all everything I went through with the fertility treatments.

 I booked my Acupuncturist for next Tuesday. It’s been too long and I know she can help. In the meantime, if I walk right by you on the street, do not be alarmed and please forgive me. ;)