Happy and sad....

I pinned a quote from my friend on Pinterest and it totally sums up how I’m feeling today.

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." ~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Full disclosure: I never read the book so I'm not sure of the context in which it was used but the stand alone quote made me stop in my tracks. I’m feeling so damn conflicted right now.

I’m happy with our decision to adopt and for a bit of little time to save some cash. H and I are also renovating what will be the nursery and doing as much as we can as a couple in the way of trips and nights out and alone time. I’m sure you’ve heard me say all of this before. Perhaps I am reiterating just to reassure myself. In general, I feel like life is going ok and I am handling whatever does not.

On the other hand…..the adoption situation is threatening my very sanity. Last week marked month #3 of being home study approved with our agency. As of yesterday afternoon, the agency still has not shown our profile book to anyone. That is ZERO profiling opportunities in a 3 month time frame. I’m a little surprised. I guess I expected that we would least have been shown to 1 potential BM by now. Most of the adoptive parents from our agency that I know had quite a few profiling opportunities much earlier on than this. H & I knew going in that we would have (approx.) a 9-18 months wait but we expected to be turned down or maybe that a BF would change their minds but not that there would be no one placing their child with the criteria we specified. I have been told by the Caseworker each and every month that we are fairly open with our situations....more so than some of the other waiting families so I think it is a little strange.

All we can do is wait. We don't want just any baby...we want our baby. I keep telling myself that. In the meantime, I'll be riding this emotional roller coaster.

A preoccupied mind.

Oatmeal bubbled out of the bowl in the microwave (volcano style)-check. Forgot to shave 1 leg and had to get back in the shower after already lotioning up-check. Underwear inside out-check. Accidentally told a client I loved them (“bye, love you”) –check.

All I can tell you is that I have loads on my mind. It seems to be causing lots of accidents and sleepless nights. How about the weight gain? My diet and exercise routines have not changed. I suppose I could blame it on stress…my anxiety level has probably doubled since my last contact with the agency. A friend suggested I touch base with them today…that I might feel better if I get a pep talk from my Case Worker. The problem is, I don’t know if I want to hear the news that our profile still hasn’t been shown to anyone yet. I can’t believe I am not handling this better after all everything I went through with the fertility treatments.

 I booked my Acupuncturist for next Tuesday. It’s been too long and I know she can help. In the meantime, if I walk right by you on the street, do not be alarmed and please forgive me. ;)

Labor day weekend 2011...

I was gearing up for my very last IVF cycle. Now, we are home study approved and waiting for our wee one to find us. It's so hard for me to believe that year has passed. We've come so far but it still feels like it will be eons before we become parents.

I know, it has only been 3 months since we were approved and so many of my friends who have adopted have waited waaaaayyyyy beyond that for news. I didn't expect it to be so difficult. I felt like once we finished our paperwork and interviews that I would feel a giant sense of relief. I did but that only lasted for about 2.5 weeks.

I'm having such anxiety. On the one hand, I am happy for a little extra time to save some money and get rid of the last bit of debt. I have been able to organize like never before-I even finally made my binders with all our accounts and passwords,etc. My recipes are organized and all of my closets and the pantry and even the stockpile in the basement have been purged and rearranged for maximum efficiency. It's just so hard not knowing ANYTHING. I didn't think it would affect me like this. Are we going to get a call that tells us we have 5 months to wait or are we going to get that call that tells us to drop everything and hop in the car to come pick up our baby? Obviously I am a planner and my world has turned upside down. IVF was tough but this is definitely a new level of torture for me. Are we going to know who the birth father is? Will we have to wait while the birth mother makes up her mind? Will there be health issues? Will the birth mother want to meet us? Those are just a few of the questions plaguing me right now.

I know....when we finally meet our baby I'll forget about all this. I'm ready to move on, though. Looking forward to a whole new set of anxiety inducing circumstances.

Another minor altercation

I am a planner. Part of my problem in life is that I have expectations for how everything should be. I know this yet I cannot stop. I take pride in my organizational skills and I don't like to be caught off guard. I have been like this since I was a child. I always had very organized Barbie carrying cases and a toy box. Everyone knows this is my thing. I even set my  MIL up with my binder system. She now has a binder with tabs for grocery lists, week-at-a-glance, to do lists and party planning lists (among others) just like mine. (Wow, I really got off track-sorry) H loves this about me. I run a tight ship and make his life pretty damn easy and clean because of it. So, when I approached H about checking out a big baby sale at a local furniture store, I didn't expect a fight.

It seems like everything turns into a fight lately. We had a good run while we were preparing for the adoption and finishing all the paperwork and interviews. It felt so good to be done with all of the fertility treatments and focusing on something else. Now, we are waiting again and it almost feels like it will not ever happen. I want to talk about it to keep the dream a live,so to speak but H is not having any of that.

It took a fight for me to get it out of him but he is superstitious and he is afraid to buy anything and jinx ourselves. I get it. When I was pg, I never bought one single baby thing. The only thing I did was buy a few maternity outfits at 10 weeks because my clothes stopped fitting. (Thank you follistim.) He remembers the heartbreak of my trip to the store to return those maternity clothes. To this day I remember each outfit and get a little sad because I looked so cute :( He felt so bad for me in addition to the pain he was feeling and he is afraid that if we buy a bunch of baby gear that it won't happen. I understand but I think he is taking it a bit far. I know, I can't judge someone else's level of superstition any more than I can judge someone else's mph over the speed limit. "No one should be going any faster, 10 miles over is fast enough" said a woman I know.   (Seriously, if you are only going to go 10 m over the speed limit you need to stay out of the left lane.) Anyway, in the end he agreed to look at stuff but not buy anything until we hear something. I won't bore you with the he said/she said of it but we were able to compromise as usual....and that is a good thing.

The tough part about adoption is that you don't have a finite time limit. The agency could call tomorrow and tell us we have 6 months before the BM is due or they could call and tell us to pack a bag and come pick up our baby. It's any one's guess.

So, I have a wish list on amazon and a baby names list that H knows nothing about. I'll do my research on the fly and talk to anyone who will listen about baby gear and baby names and I'll take all the tips I can from my mom friends. I just won't tell H. We are not on the same page about this and I don't want there to be any more friction. I'm picking my battles. When we get a call and we only have 1 day to prepare I will definitely say "I told you so". I just know that is how it will happen since we are not prepared.

Back from vaca and down to business.....

It already feels as if the summer is winding down. We still have a few parties and events left before the weather gets crisp and before traffic starts sucking in the morning because the schools are open again. We had an excellent mini trip to MA to see friends and do some sightseeing (...ok and a quick stop at the outlets where I did make a few purchases.)

Autumn always feels like a new beginning for me....I'll always remember shopping for a new wardrobe for  "back to school" and since leaving school, autumn has become my favorite time of year. I'm anticipating liking it even more when I have a school aged child of my own, from what my Mom and Dad friends with kids tell me.

That brings me to the latest thoughts occupying my mind......when do we tell people about our plans?

I have shared our news with a select few...close friends and family among them as well as some old high and grade school friends I reconnected with through good ol' FB. As it has been about 2 months since we went active with our agency, I have gotten questions from quite a few people....about what we have heard or how long it might be. I certainly don't mind the questions from people who care so much about me....I love it, actually. What I might not be able to deal with is questions from work people that I see every day or neighbors that I barely know. I don't want it to become awkward when people ask (for them or me). While I do feel a sense of responsibility to advocate for adoption I don't know if I'm ready to educate the ignorant. At this point, without a match, I feel like a fraud. I also think it would make me more anxious if I know others are waiting for it to happen,too. Again, not from my near and dear but from acquaintances.

On the other hand, I don't want to have the following conversation: "Hi Boss lady, it's G. I won't be coming to work today...I have to go pick up my baby". H and I have had several conversations about it and we just don't know which way to go. Once you tell....you can't undo it!

If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears!

My olympic flashback....

As much as I am enjoying the Olympics, a part of me can't help but feel a little bit sad. It takes me back to the Beijing Olympics and that was a sort of milestone for me. It was my 1st IVF...and my 1st pregnancy. My 1st unsuccessful pregnancy. I remember being so hopeful and hormonal. I watched interviews with the Olympians Mom's and I cried when I saw them in the stands cheering for their children. I had fleeting thoughts about if my child would be a future Olympian or maybe he would be watching with me when the London Olympics aired in 4 years time. It hurts to think about that baby I'll never meet and a part of me hurts for that woman who is no longer so naive.....who knows far too much about sperm and egg quality and D&C's and how pregnancy may not ever lead to a child you can watch the Olympics with....or anything else for that matter.

I think those emotions had a lot to do with my breakdown last week. If I close my eyes and listen to the whistles and the cheers and the commentators, I can almost pretend that it's 4 years ago and that all of those bad things never happened. I didn't do 7 IVF cycles and I didn't have 4 pregnancy losses.

I look forward to the Rio Olympics in 2016 with a bit of hesitancy. I'm so happy that we are on this adoption journey but part of me can't stop wondering if that will end the same way? Will H and I be watching the Summer Olympics together with our little one in 2016 or will we still be chasing our dream?

Not what I was expecting to hear...

This will be the 1st of (what I hope is not) many "agency follow up" posts.

I called our agency on Monday to go over a few things with our case worker. I wanted to let her know about some upcoming travel plans and to see if she received our signature pages agreeing to the HS findings. I also figured that it was about time to see if we had been presented to any birth families and was hoping to get some feedback on our profile book from these families. I guess I wasn't prepared for the answer.

 I wasn't quite sure what I was hoping to hear but a part of me is a little distressed to know that our profile was not shown to anyone in the past 2 months. And to make matters worse, my caseworker asked me to fill out a new copy of our "child interest grid" because the one that she had was slopped up with our SW's notes. She said she doesn't want us to miss a potential profiling opportunity due to a messy form. I asked her if we had missed any so far for that reason and she said that no one matching our interest grids has come to the agency in the past 2 months but I don't know if I believe her.

When I spoke to her right after we were approved she mentioned that she couldn't view the DVD we created to go along with our profile book. She was supposed to call me back if she couldn't view it on her co-worker's computer but I never heard from her. I also found out yesterday that she forgot to check.

She just got engaged and I am a little concerned that she may not be entirely focused on our case....or any other part of her job. I hope that it's not going to be a problem. (And I really hope she is nothing like I was when I was planning my wedding. Planning my wedding was like my job at the time and I wasn't very focused on the job that actually paid me.)

So I think I am going to have to turn into the hard ass I didn't want to be. I'm going to call every few weeks to check on things and make sure I am at the front of her mind. She is going to want to get me a match so she can get rid of me! I'm certainly not a stranger to following up and I know how to get things done. I guess I have to believe deep down that all of these little glitches and hold ups are happening so our baby can find us....the baby that is meant for us. All in good time :)